Duty Session 535: Fireball Solves Everything

A Lander from the Hunter's Guild is awaiting the adventurers at the end of a beaten path, where vegetation begins to reclaim a long forsaken area. After a bow to the assembled Adventurers, the Lander briefs them on their mission: "There are a number of abandoned temple-like structures dedicated to The Burning Goddess throughout the forests of the Eastal Free League. It is believed that at the heart of each of them lies a brazier carrying special Igneous Stones, rumored to be particularly apt at stabilizing flames. They are in high demand, and the Hunter's Guild offers rewards to anyone who can bring a few back." He hands the team a map to the nearest structure, and a map of the structure itself. "Good luck, noble Adventurers."

Uta studies the maps, turning them upside down, left-side-right, front-side-back. "So, uh, temple-like structures, huh? This is going to be fascinating. I am always eager to learn more about the Secrets of the Past." She looks up from her map. "I just hope Fire won't be -too- important in this quest, since, well..." She looks down and away, and mumbles, "...I have no Fire capabilities."

Schneider smiles to Uta, nods about the run ahead. "Sounds like a plan," he agrees, and gets his gear together. New boots, with silver tooling, and his ornate coat and cloak, and the tight leather pants that look like they belong on an 80's metal band. Because spandex in leopard-skin print isn't available. He should talk to Arshes Gwen about that.

As far as Fire gies, he says to Uta, "I've got your fire covered. I've been to Burning Goddess temples before. It's not too important, if you have a well-rounded party. If not, you need to be /very good/ at fire." Luckily, Schneider is very good at fire.

    Fuka observes Uta's mapping skills with a grin. Okay so they're probably going to get lost. That's okay, they'll have fun wherever they end up! If it means potentially failing the quest, well, then they have to succeed at something else!

    "If I know anything about games, and I do..." Fuka begins, tooting her own horn a little. "... Temples are more about themed puzzles than anything. If we needed fire to get through, we'd be given the Goblin of Fire or something. Speaking of Goblin, we've got Snider with us! He can handle any fire we need, I bet, and I can blow stuff up too if needed. Mostly though, I'm sure we can handle everything with a combination of beauty and brains!"

"...what's the beauty for?", Uta asks, genuinely confused.

Even if it takes a little extra roundabout wandering and backtracking, the party eventually finds a one-story circular structure built out of stone. Run down, smothered by plants and moss, it takes the Adventurers some time before they can free the main door from the vines. Still in place after all this time, wards made of wood and colored strings protect the place against trespassers.

"This is a tricky one," Uta says, scratching her head. "Schneider was right. We could possibly manage this through some cooperation. By cross-referencing the scripts..." she looks at Schneider, "...with the details of their enchantments..." a look at Fuka, "...perhaps we could figure out the intricate mechanism that holds this whole system together. And any system has to obey some general Law, so... perhaps I can help in stringing things together."

It seems to simply not occur to her to treat this as a Gordian Knot.

Beauty and brains? Which of those categories does Schneider fall into? Both, in his own mind, having chosen quite a bishounen avatar, although with more shoulders than the typical bishounen protagonist. That just means he's more manly, of course. As Uta leads us to the structure entrance, he considers the puzzle thoughtfully. He -is- skilled in Scripture, and is familiar with the Laws of Alba, "But there is a much faster solution," he says. "GUNZENRO!"

A burst of fire strikes the door, burning away the vines fairly quickly even as Uta is studying them. He offers a guilty shrug. "Sorry about that, just trying to speed things up."

    "If I know anything about beauty, and I do..." Fuka says with exaggerated charm, fanning herself with her hand and fluttering her lashes like a complete loon, "... it mostly has to do with attracting a mate. And since none of us are here for that maybe we'll just stick to brute force and ignorance instead!" she offers.

    That said, she is a little distracted when it comes to the arcane puzzle that is the ward and strings network protecting the next door. She just can't face a puzzle without trying to work it out like a gamer, but can't help but be a little distracted when Schneider invokes one of his lesser flame spells. She grins happily at the result though, turning to look at Uta and gesturing with her hand at the door. "See? Brute force and ignorance!" she claims, then pauses. "Which do you think that was?" she asks in a stage whisper.

"Yes, nobody is here for that!", Uta confirms to Fuka. Possibly with a blush.

Exactly as expected, as Uta is busy frowning, following strange patterns in the enchantments, and muttering something that almost certainly has to do with the Law, Schneider solves the problem for everyone.

"...Brute force! Definitely!", she exclaims to Fuka. Trying to defuse a situation. Which, almost certainly, does not need defusing.

The Adventurers enter the building, and it does not take them long to discover a trap door leading down a musty stairwell. Torches flicker; long shadows are cast against the walls built out of uneven stones as the party descends a long flight of stairs. At the bottom lies a massive oaken door riddled with padlocks.

"...Well, here I am completely out of my element," Uta says, as she runs a gloved hand on the boards.

Schneider shrugs about nobody being here for that. "Who knows who is behind the avatar anyhow?" he asks. His college roommate told him that most people who play cute girls in MMOs are really creepy old guys, so he's not taking a chance. "Anyhow, who wants to do mushy romance stuff when there's monsters to fight and treasure to win?" You get your endorphin rush your way, Schneider has a plan of his own.

Of course the plan involves, fire. He follows along until we get to another barrier, and he simply casts, "GUNZENRO!" his fallback fire spell, because fire really does seem to solve most problems.

    Fuka isn't sure of Schneider, as he might well try to pick up girls in a dungeon, but she was well aware both she and Uta weren't looking for that sort of ride. It doesn't stop her making the joke though, naturally. If anything it encouraged it!

    "Hmmm." Fuka muses, looking at the lock-covered door. "Truly an epic sword of Damocles moment." she says, actually thinking of the Gordian Knot. Either way a huge problem involving a sword and a nonstandard approach. "I think I'm with him on this though." she claims, not waiting to hear Schneider's approach to the puzzle before beginning her own chanted magic. Calling out repeated runewords, the repetition increasing the strength of fire, earth, transformation and ranged effects. "Anything in my way will feel my wrath! Crucible Cannon!" she calls out, unnecessarily theatrical, before levelling an explosive blast at the door.

"Agreed, agreed," Uta mumbles at Schneider. "Even though I've heard of people hooking up with Landers. I... I would guess that's relatively safe? Unless it's one of those Adventurers who turned Lander due to losing too many memories." A shudder runs down her spine, made more obvious by the involuntary fluttering of her wings. "Man, that must suck."

And so, Uta diligently starts to work on the hinges. Attempting her best to find a spot to pry open, screws to unscrew, anything. It is while she is fully focused that-

I suppose there's no need to explain what a combined Crucible Cannon and GUNZERO look like. Very flashy, of course. And they leave a massive hole with a thin layer of wood all around, like the burnt crust of a toast without much in the way of actual bread in the middle.

Onwards to the next challenge!

As the Adventurers bring their light sources into the next room, a blood-chilling sight meets them: the walls and ceiling are covered in dire bats. "They seem to be asleep," Uta whispers. "And that is a good thing: they are far too numerous to fight. Let's try and sneak past them." Or, you know, wipe the whole lot out with Fire, although the thought might not occur spontaneously to someone who isn't familiar with manipulating the element.

Schneider smirks as he and Fuka blast through the door, leaving a hole with charred edges. "That's teamwork," he says appereciatively, and gives her a thumbs-up. Proceeding on, they venture into the Bat Cave. While it seems Batman is out, all his little flying rodent friends are still here. Well, Schneider has little to no hope of sneaking past them, so he does a preemptive strike, chanting, "Brain, Brain dead. Obey your blood oath, come forth from the land of Avalon. Fire of Gehenna, become a fiery blast and burn everything around us! ...... EXODUS!" And a conflagration engulfs the bats and completely distracts them from Schneider scampering through the room down below.

    Fuka is of the opinion that who's behind the avatar is irrelevant. For someone who seems to always claim how pretty she is and how hot others are, she's rather indifferent to looks when it comes to actual attraction. In her current state it's just a safe topic to joke about, since clearly no one would take her seriously over it. No, if she's actually attracted to someone, it likely involves them being willing to put up with her relentless obsessions and wilfull lack of social decorum.

    Fuka nods to Uta, having a strange deja vu about the last several times she was exploring a 'dungeon' with Schneider and bats showed up, being generally too big a group to fight. "Right, sneaky." she agrees, chanting softly the runewords of night and protection and self, intending to draw darkness mana into her skin to shield her while also incidentally leaving her looking like a cute winter-fae with way too much sun exposure.

    This gets interrupted, however, by Schneider's invokation of his flaming darkness spell of choice. Exodus... yep, deja vu indeed! In the roar of the hellfire Fuka's voice is almost drowned out, but she calls out "Brute force and ignorance it is!! RUN!"

Uta flicks her menu open, and after some navigation, her staff shimmers into existence. Uta intones a dark, ominous chant, writhing vines of Sheer Darkness dance on her magic item, coalesce into the gem... and reach out to Uta, enveloping her, until she, hersefl, is a writhing vaguely Spriggan-shaped mass of Dark and Terror. A black silhouette with solid red eyes, which darts within the shadows, and keeps shifting like a sort of Roschach pattern of the most horrifying things.

Silent. Deadly. So muhc the bats are afraid to look into her. Truely, a masterpiece of subtl-

FWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

Blink.

"...Well, that's another challenge done," Uta says, in mild confusion, as her aura dissipates like vapor, revealing the Kung-Fu nurse below. "I'll need to reach out to one of you for a course in brute force and ignorance."

The Adventurers reach what, according to the map from the Hunters' Guild, is the antechamber to the inner sanctum. The smell of mildew is overpowering, the floor is littered with puddles, and the silence is broken only by the occasional drip of water. If, that is, we don't count the screech from the tangle of monster vines which has taken root in this room: vegetal tendrils attempt to grab at the Adventurers, too many for mere physical beating and slashing. The stench makes it hard to fight, so some aeration could come in handy.

"Let me guess, we're going to burn this to the ground, aren't we?", Uta not-quite-sighs at Schneider. One gotta give it to him: he's been -extremely- effective in taking the party up to this point. So it's more of a benign, resigned almost-sigh than a truely disappointed one.

"Alright, I'll try to lower the humidity in the room." She scrunches her nose. "...and clean the air a bit. Good thing we have no Cait Siths or Were Fangs in the party, not sure how badly their senses would be overwhelmed..."

    Fuka wrinkles her nose. "Not to mention getting slime in your fur. Some might be into that sort of thing and no judgment if they are, but I know I'd want a hot bath after!" she complains. And yes, she might well be making it weird. Poor Uta probably doesn't want to know.

    To solve the stinky problem of the attack vines, Fuka breaks out an old standby. Or a new one, depending. She chants runewords of air and protection, this time successfully infusing her skin and armor with a powerful surge of air mana. This air helps deflect attacking vines and, as a nice bonus, smells minty-fresh! It allows Fuka freedom to do what she does best. No, not make it weird, using her sword to get to the heart of the problem. Slashy-slashy time!

Schneider hrms to Uta at her resigned sigh, and says, "Of course," as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, in a world full of things that can be burned, go to town, right?" He winces as Fuka mentions furries with slimt fur, his face twisting in distaste for a moment. Of course these are kind of damp and watery vines, hard to burn, and smoky if you burned them conventionally, though Uta's pre-treatment helps out. But Schneider is anything but conventional, and he looks them over critically and decides this is serious business.

Apparently serious business means, "Kaizard, aruzard, kisk! Hansay Glossik! Unleash total destruction! Sage of Hades use the seven keys to open the gates of Hell! HELLOWEEN!" The only way to describe the scene is 'Mass Conflag', firemen's shorthand for a collosal and unforgiving firestorm that ... well, if we wait a bit, will run out of vines to burn. That might be best to just hang back for a bit.

"FUKA!!", Uta armflails, unprompted. Who said Fuka was talking about her? In any case, Uta's yelling is so loud that it blasts a massive amount of fetid, damp air out of the cave, helping with clearing and de-humidifying. Fuka's impersonation of a tiny lawnmower helps further, so that Schneider's technique, possibly powerful enough to have gotten the job done nonetheless (although this is debatable), downright wipes any threat left from the face of Alba.

As the Adventurers step into the dark room, the only illumination being either the adventurers' torches or their glowing magical items, they are rewarded with quite the sight: an abandoned ceremonial room, its braziers with still enough Igneous Stones to comfortably meet the Hunter's Guild quota, and possibly even keep one for themselves.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!", exclaims Uta, all excited, as she rushes up to the brazier to begin grabbing thhem. "This is a good find. These things are rare. Maybe we can learn something about how the Ancients did-"

Clack. Whrrrrrrrrrrrr.

"Oh no...", Uta utters barely above a whisper.

Ayup! There is a rumbling sound, the ground trembles, and debris begins to fall from the ceiling. We all know what this means.

"Grab as many stones as you can, and run! Not necessarily in that order!", Uta shouts, as she frantically grabs as many stones as she can.

As she darts off, stones held in a pouch at her side, hanging from a strap slung over her shoulders (pouch which she has just materialized from her inventory as part of the loot-grabbing), she turns to look over her shoulder. "Run as fast as you can! I will try to manage the rocks as well as I can!"

Schneider looks up as the ceiling starts falling, and he climbs up on some of the fallen rocks, guessing that what's loose has fallen already. He then looks up at the ceiling, and warns the others, "Come up here for a moment." Then he casts ceilingward, "Deep Doomsday. To the spirits of land and air, bound by the pact, fulfill your obligation now. MEGADETH!"

His fire spell slams into the ceiling and the heat thermally stresses the rocks, causing them to fall if they were even a little loose, and there's a thunderous crash, but then, "That's got the ceiling, what's left of it, pretty stable." And he will gather up his igneous stones and get out before anything else can work loose.

    To be fair, any time Fuka says something weird, it's probably innuendo. And her comments about getting sticky smelly stuff in your fur... well, no, probably not a good idea to go there. Uta is right to protest even if it wasn't specifically aimed at her, given Uta's lack of furness. Or furnace, given no fire magic.

    As her defensive magic fades, Fuka looks around in the relatively poor light provided by the party of adventurers as they gaze into the final chamber. "Isn't there supposed to be a boss?" she asks uncertainly, peering into shadows and crevices for the catch, not at all focussed on the reward in front of them.

    RUUUUUMBLEEEE

    There's the catch, yep. "What do you mean not in that order?! We have to do it in that order!" Fuka cries, furiously trying to chant earthen runewords to shore up the ceiling to give them time to snatch and go. She gives up on the tricky technical chant though when a falling rock smashes into her upturned face, breaking concentration. "Right, initiating getting the hell out maneuver!" she cries, dashing past a brazier and dumping the contents into the tails of her coatskirts, bundling it up in a manner that'd be pretty indecent if it weren't for the gleaming plate-and-mail skirt revealed underneath.

    She then dashes for the exit, letting out loud exclamations of pain and annoyance as she's struck by rocks along the way, but never letting go of her treasure or stopping to cast. No, she's focussed. Probably not on healthy things, but loot is loot!

The party rushes through the whole building, past the dire bat room, up the floor, dodging or blocking any menace that might be left -- who am I kidding. Everything has been burnt to the ground. Every. Single. Thing! And it's good: were it not for this little detail, the party, by now, would likely not have survived, considering how- well, ok, Schneider would likely have survived, considering how effective he's been at burning things. But Uta and Fuka? They get hit by falling rocks all the way, and get out with only a small amount their HP still intact, bar firmly in the red.

"We got them...", Uta exclaims, once out as she falls face-first onto the grass. In the background, as one would expect, there is rumbling, and the structure slowly sinks into the ground in a cloud of smoke...

Schneider gathers up as many stones as he can from the pile here and high-tails it out of there. Metaphorically, as he has no tail. He's done all right so far, but he's spent his big fire spells and while he's done all right, he's not as confident as Uta is that his good fortune will continue to hold up. So he will leave with Uta and Fuka and not have any regrets over burning down an abandoned temple that no one was using except for somee bats. Anyhow, it wasn't their fault the roof fell in! Maybe?