Duty Session 584: The Doodie

It is a nice, cool, dewey morning in Alne. The weather is nice; the report says it's going to be nice all day. It's the perfect day to go into poo-covered subterranean environs.

...Which is exactly what DosBox plans to do with his day. He is waiting in the Hunter's Guild for the rest of the Adventurers who have agreed to go on this expedition. He's on a stool. It has a booster seat.

Behind the counter is a Cat Cait Sith receptionist, also waiting. In front of her is a Quest bill, which is also waiting to be read.

Schneider is always up for questing and exploding monsters, and by all accounts, poo gas explodes nicely, so his interest is clear. He arrives at the Guild and heads over to where Dosbox is waiting, offering a jaunty, "Hey," of greeting, and he takes a look around. "How's your day going?" he asks, by way of conversation. What -do- you talk about when you're planning to go into the poo-filled sewers?

Pros of Gwen's strange moods: free experimental outfits with features otherwise unavailable to Adventurers! Like, for instance, Uta's current snug, slick body suit, which covers everything except for her head and her wings, looking like something out of a mecha anime more than a fanyasy isekai one. Conceivably, it is supposed to be the kind of material that doesn't soak up impregnating materials -- they just slide off.

Cons of Gwen's strange moods: 'experimental'. That word alone should be cause for concern.

"Sewers!", Uta exclaims, walking into view... not without some discomfort; she moves as if she was getting used to a new set of limbs, probably due to the unexpected stiffness of her attire. "The best place to find slimes! I hope I'll get to find some rare specimens like- Oh, hey Dossy! Hey, Schneider!", she exclaims, witha a wave.

Dosbox kicks his feet a little as he waves to Shneider; his feet are no where near the ground, "Hiya, Schneider! Can't complain. Ready to get down and dirty in some quests, you know?" What do you talk about? The answer is poop puns. At least, that is Dossy's answer. Results may vary.

Dossy hears Uta coming before he sees her. He seems to perk up when hearing Uta, much like a cat hearing someone shake the treat bag. He waves, "Oh, hi, Uta! Ready to get into the thick of things?" More poop puns. Yep.

The Receptionist takes this opportunity to interject, "Since we're all here, let's go over what this quest entails." As an afterthought, she includes a, "Nya," at the end. "This seems to be a reoccurring problem. The problem was first nyaoticed around myihdnight on the last day of the festival. Rats began coming up while people were uhh nya-yuck! Using the facilities. Your quest today is merely to find the clawse of the issue. If you can solve the problem, that would be better, though... nya. While you're down there, be sure to get a water sample. This is important to keep tabs on the situation. Nya."

Schneider's eyes widen as he sees Uta arriving in a skin-tight bodysuit, but he's been working on^h^h^h^h^h obseesed with his Appraisal skill lately, so his first response is an Inspect to see if he can find what sort of bonuses it provides. Of course this requires touch, but a comradely clap on the shoulder is innocent enough as he says, "Hey, Uta. That's an interesting outfit you've got there." He nods as the receptionist explains our mission, and says, "That sounds pretty easy. Setting rats on fire is always fun. Ah, was it under Dun Loireag where there was a huuuge rat colony I blew up?" And now he's lost in memory.

"I was -born- for this! We're going to dwelve deep into this, and emerge victorious!", Uta exclaims to Dosbox. Did she even realize there are puns involved?

Uta listens with... attention, it actually seems. "Clean up the rat problem. Take water sample. Seems clear enough." Another short pause, followed by a tentative, "...uh... nya?" Is it polite to reply using that? Probably.

Uta's outfit likely feels rather slippery. The hand will likely slip upwards or sideways a little, given how reduced friction is. It's the whole idea behind things not sticking to it, isn't it?

"Outfit? What outfit?" asks Uta, who immediately looks down at herself. "AAAAAH! What am I wearing!" Yes, she blushes a deep red. "WHY AM I- Oh. Right." She hurries to explain, "It's supposed to be sludge-proof! If- if it works it'll be the best thing to navigate sewers!"

At least she's gone from 'embarrassed' to 'conflicted' about it.

Schneider's analysis reveals boosts to such stats as Negotiation, Mercantile, Evasion, Diving, Song, and Water. It also reveals how it's likely an experimental product. Also, from a medical point of view, how it might cause allergies in subjects sensitive to this particular material.

"Yes! Fire! Let's think about fire!", she says, trying to switch the target.

Dosbox finally manages to get a look of Uta in her skin-tight body suit. His brown cheeks then take on a color akin to his hair. He clears his throat, turning to the Catgirl receptionist. "Uh... Water sample. Got it. Th-thanks!"

The receptionist hands the Rock Gnome the bill and assists him off the booster seat by picking him up under the arms and setting him on the ground carefully. "Try not to get lost this time. Nya." She gives DosBox a shoo-ing motion with her hands.

He moseys up to his two companions with the standard Dossy shuffle. "Uh, yeah, your outfit looks... ah... nice, Uta. Very... Flattering?" This little potato has entered full Awkward Turtle mode. He is uncertain how many rats are currently dying in Schneider's memories right now, but he's relatively certain that it is more than the traditional amount.

Dossy takes Uta's interjection about fire as an excuse to move on from the current topic, "Yes! Fire is a great solution to excrement-covered rats! Adventure awaits! Huzzah!"

Schneider can at least treat Uta if she turns out to be Allergic to Neoprene, which his Inspect did not note. "That's a useful material," he agrees. And of course he's always willing to think about Fire, so that's a good distractor. Classically, Dark Schneider is at least a leerer and interested in all women in /that way/, but Schneider's player isn't really, and isn't a roleplayer generally, so the opportunity for further hijinx is not taken and anyhow, fire is the current topic, and he says, "Adventure. And Fire." Generally synonymous in Scale anyhow. He will head out with the others in search of mysteries, unknowns, rats, and poop. And set fire to them.

"Thanks!", exclaims Uta, continuing onwards with her stiff walk, and reddened cheeks. Just like the moment Schneider pointed things out, acting like it's no big deal while, well, she's clearly not used to this style of attire. "But I have nothing to do with it, it's all Gwen's doing."

"I cannot offer Fire, alas," Uta mumbles, looking down and kicking away an invisible stone. "But!", she perks up again. "I'm good at Dark! Air! Physical!" She sweeps the air. "I can set things on punch!"

Given her renewed enthusiasm and sudden lack of blushing, it seems like she, once again, has forgotten what she's wearing.

Dosbox focuses on the fire, and not on Uta's outfit. It has been decided that is the safer bet. hijinx may ensue later, but the important thing right now is the QUEST.

The first sewer region features smooth rock, and confusing winding paths that make it difficult to track where one is going. There is no lighting, which requires people to bring lights. There's the occasional slime, rat, and spider monster infestation here in various areas. Whatever is causing the backup down here, however, must be larger than those typical vermin usually found scurrying around the sewers.

When the adventurers come across their first waterflow, one of the secondary objectives comes to mind: Get a water sample. Those proficient with alchemy and pharmacy are familiar with procuring uncontaminated samples, as are those who are just familiar with Water in general, though to a lesser degree.

Schneider has, it seems, forgotten about Uta's outfit. Well, there's rats and spiders and little squiggly things, all begging desperately for Schneider to incinerate them. Well, who is he to refuse, and the sewer is illuminated by the flickering of torchlight aided by the frequent illumination of GUNZENRO, Schneider's quick, low mana, fire spell. Just the one word, and a flash of pixels, and pests are eliminated. When we get to the water flow, a test tube-like vial is taken from inventory, the contents slurped, and he dips it into the water to collect a sample. Plus, now he has full HP. Of course he was at full HP before, but he needed a vial, and the potion was taking up space.

Extra care is put into each step. Slippery rocks + virtually frictionless body suit = recipe for disaster. Focus, Uta. Walk slow. Carefully. Remember, the sole of those 'shoes' (are they technically 'shoes' if they're built into a suit?), along with the palm area of the gloves, are the only ones with some grip. Miss it, and-

A rat scurries by, Uta freezes.

Silence.

Good, crisis averted. Slow, careful step-

A slime wobbles into view.

Uta's eyes widen like saucers.

Cue chase.

(. . .)

Many shenanigans later, Uta is back; "Uhm... sorry for the delay," she mumbles, as she, herself, shimmers a vial into view and kneels down to collect a water sample.

The smell of charred fur and ignited methane is now more prevalent than whatever other smells were before, which is a small blessing, considering where the party is right now.

This place does seem like it is prime for slime hunting, as the critters are likely quite at home eating the fecal matter, giving most of them either a orangish-yellow color or various shades of brown. Yum.

DosBox collects some of the sewer fluid in a vial, complete with small chunks, before giving the contents a quick pulse of magic. The contents of the vial separate into parts, allowing for a decent cross-section of the contents. "Hmm... More slime residue than usual. The local slime population might have increased, causing the rats to panic."

Continuing along the side of the waterflow, the adventurers travel deeper into the sewer. The pungent stench of doo doo eminates from the wet dungeon walls. The darkness permeates entirely save for whatever light the adventurers brought with them. The ground is slick with mildew and other substances. And there are definite signs of vermin residing down here.

Speaking of vermin, a horde of rats is barelling down the pathway in mid-flight response! They seem crazed with fear as they scurry in the party's direction, more specifically away from whatever it is they are fleeing from. They even knock one or two of their kin into the river off to the side. The party could try calming the vermin down, or engage in rat squashing (rumored to be a popular activity in certain Lander cultures!)

Schneider's occasional sniping at rats does not seem to deter the rush of vermin, and in fact, there is suddenly a target rich environment. Well, that's not a problem, and he continues, changing spells as ZAKO DAMERO fires off a bit faster, and he's mowing down rtats as fadt as he can say the syllables, magical energy charring the tiny pests, who vanish into a puff of pixels and delicious XP. mmmmm, tasty XP.

"Good!", exclaims Uta, at the news that the slime population has increased. "I mean, bad," at the news that the rats are panicking. "But it's a great opportunity to study rat slimes," she offers, tentative. "So... neutral?"

There's vermin. And Uta's reaction is to shimmer her staff into existence from her inventory, hold onto it, and intone a magical tune which causes tendrils of light and magic to dance around it -- and coalesce into the anatomically correct heart-shaped gem; once it's saturated with mana, she brandishes the weapon, points it at the vermin, and continuing her tune, begins zapping the creatures, each accented note causing a discharge of raw magic power.

Dosbox pulls a gas cylinder from his hat and tosses it at the rats. The gas not only knocks the rats unconscious, it also makes them much more flammable. "More neutral, now that all those rats are dead, anyways..." As a side-effect, however, visibility drops quite a bit... After the confusion of the swarm, the party has gotten themselves turned around. The area they are in now seems to be a large open cave featuring jagged rocks everywhere. These would no doubt hurt if the party haphazardously crashed into them.

The party's light, which has been sufficient until now is lacking in terms of pathfinding. To get a lay of the land (such as it is), the party will have to improve their illumination. In order to get their bearings straight, they will need to check their tracks and see where they have been. With the ankle deep sewer water, tracking the way back may be difficult. Perhaps as important as knowing where they have been is knowing where they are going. Someone experienced at Searching may reveal a clue as to where to go next.

Schneider has, in fact, not gotten turned around at all. He's still facing the direction he was when the rats came at us, and hadn't moved, so he seems more confused by Dos's confusion than his own orientation. It -is- darker, but more fire is super-easy for him, and anyhow, the path forwand seems clear enough to him. But there seems to be some debate, and Schneider is having a good enough time vaporizing vermin and collecting XP that he's not picky about the path we take.

Cough, cough, sputter, sputter. Uta cannot be seen through the thick fumes. "Borywick! Schneider! Where are- AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Rrrrriiiiiiiiiip. The distinct splattering noise of a Spriggan slamming face-first onto smooth rock can be heard, followed by the equally distinct noise of body suit material snagging against sharp rocks, and getting ripped.

When the smoke clears -- well, luckily, the situation isn't -too- bad, from a decency point of view. Uta's suit has just lost the middle part, pretty much; her midriff is now exposed, but the pants and top (sleeves and gloves all!), even if cropped, look intact. "ARE WE THERE, YET?", she asks, squinting; her eyes are probably full of smoke.

DosBox has either developed a fever, is having a overheating problem, or something entirely different, as his face is now a heavy shade of red. "Uh... No no, we have a bit to go yet! Just this way... I think?" The first time DosBox was here, he had gotten hopelessly lost. The SECOND time, he was asked to search a different section of the sewer, and he got lost looking for the other half, and thus ended up searching the same half that he did the first time. This time, however, DosBox was ready. He was 100 percent not lost this time, so he could very properly get lost THIS time! Objective failed successfully!

As a result, the party has not only become hopelessly lost, they are now also mostly submerged in water. The walls to the dungeon are nowhere to be seen as the adventurers march onward through the cesspool they have found themselves in. There are a few options at this point. Anyone with experience in Diving can easily move through this water. Those familiar with water in general might have an easier time of trudging through the unpleasant soup they have found themselves in. As a stretch, someone with knowledge of tracking might be able to determine the lay of the land (or water in this case) by studying the actions of aquatic creatures. Any way you look at it, this is just a crappy situation.

Schneider is, as he often claims, an Exploder Wizard, but when inspected, he shows as a Rune Knight, and a Rune Knight apparently knows his way through water well enough, and in any event, he can use insane amounts of FIRE on leeches and any other pests that want a piece of him. He trudges, then, through the unpleasant soup, without any difficulty, though perhaps this is more due to his height? He says to Dos, "Do you need us to carry you?"

"I got this!", Uta exclaims. She intones another tune, and this time, the magical tendrils of color, light and magic, focused by her staff, dance all aroun her, and weave together into the shape of a -- large slime? Large enough to completely surround Uta, protected by a bubble of air. Still visible through the semi-transparent gelatinous mass, Uta can be sort of seen, and sort of heard, intone another song; gauzy and muffled, she points her staff around, and Handles the summoned slime as a submarine, as she passes through the disgusting sludge.

Dosbox is, more or less, floating like a bobber, and he propels himself using water magic. As a result, he is moving with ease, better than normal heighted people in this same situation. He gives a thumbs up, "I'm good. Thank you for the concern, though."

He gives applause to Uta's submarine slime... Slimarine? As it coasts through the water like a fish... slime. A Slish? A Fime?

When the party finds a wall in this vast expanse, an opening is found; the adventurers enter the cave to depart from the variety of fluids best left to the imagination. After taking a breather, the party just begins to get their bearings when they realize they are not alone in the cave. Bits of filth seem to be floating in mid-air and slowly approaching. It only takes a couple of seconds to realize that the Adventurers are being waylayed by a gelatinous cube! It is quite apparent, due to all the evidence you have gathered so far, that this is indeed the cause of the vermin flight. Defeating it may be exactly what is needed to end Alne's sewer problems! It becomes apparent that the fabled creature known as '#-1 ARGUMENT OUT OF RANGE' is acidic and shock absorbing. Further, physical attacks seems to have no effect, as slashing or stabbing wounds fill any torn or stabbed gaps almost instantly! Given the single-cell-esque nature of this cube, creative uses of fermented beverages might disorient or even harm it. One could also destabilize this gooey form with some alchemy. It seems slightly more susceptible to lightning, which can ignite flammable materials deep inside the cube, out of the range of normal fire. If necessary, other magical attacks might work. Ultimately, Dossy just hopes Uta doesn't insist they take it home....

"I INSIST WE TAKE IT HOME!", Uta declares, as she points at the monster. Embarrassment? Who has time for embarrassment when there's a Giant Gelatinous Monster?! It's -so cool-!

Whether the idea raises any enthusiasm or not, Uta launches into a guitar solo. Minus the guitar. But it's okay, Air Guitar is always there with you, ready to be created out of, as the name says, thin air. Lightning crackles in the shape of a Fender Stratocumulus, and with each slam, lightning departs, to strike the flammable interior of the monster. And yes -- the lightning -does- make a noise almost completely identical to a distorted electric guitar. The futuristic crop-top costume only adds to the whole rock concert vibe.

Schneider peers at the gelatinous cube we are faced with, and the odd name it has. As to taking it home, that seems unlikely, at least not once Schneider is done with it. He hrms, then casts, "Deep Doomsday. To the spirits of land and air, bound by the pact, fulfill your obligation now." He points dramatically, then shouts, "MEGADETH!"

Succeptibilities don't matter so much when there's just so much raw damage that its overwhelming. Uta's rock guitar outpouring complements the masssive explosion. A chord without a guitar, a spell without a band. This is quite the psychadelic trip, if swirling tendrils of slime-colored smoke are your thing.

Between DosBox's Thorn Calamite, Uta's Air Guitar, and Schneider's MEGADEATH, the cube is heavily assaulted with Earth, Wind, and Fire (heh). The Cube evaporates rapidly, and by the end of the inital assault, the creature is roughly the size of a rubix cube. DosBox tightens the vines wrapped around the cube and picks it up gingerly, offering it to Uta while trying not to look at her, uh Outfit. "Yeah, uh, I think we just have to take it out of the sewer, I suppose. That should solve the issue, right?"

Uta is... well, staring with glimmering eyes at the small monster. Making squealing happy Spriggan noises, she doesn't look at her own outfit, either, mostly because, really, does anything exist besides the tiny monster? "Thank you thank you thank you thank you!", she beams, reaching for the little cube. "It'll be great for research purposes!" After a short pause of admiration of the monster, she seems to realize something. "...Oh, right. We should... probably go have a shower and change into something clean. And celebrate at a tavern!" She looks up. "Your dinner is on me, Borywick! As a thank you for the cube specimen!"

Schneider is now watching Uta as she collects the remains of the cube. "Is it still alive, or is it just a cube-shaped fragment of slime flesh?" Though given that slain monsters despawn, maybe this is a thing. He's certainly not wise enough to say. And if anyone can handle the remains of a monstrous cube, it's Uta, in her midriff-baring anti-sewer outfit. Knowing Gwen, that part probably spontaneously combusts if no actual damage is done to it within a certain amount of time.

DosBox's eyes go wide. Dinner? Is... is that A d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-daaaaaate?!?!? DosBox slaps both of his cheeks. No no, it's just a night at the bar. No big deal. "Yes, shower, bath, and liberal use of the Menu Clean button. Also, be warned. That little guy might smell... But we won't know until we get out of here..."

Due to the nature of the attacks, no actual damage was done to the slime's core: it's quivering in fear, but it is very much still alive... Alive and captured. You know what they say about slimes: gotta catch 'em all!