An Epilogue of Lanterns

    The Firefly Festival is celebrated at different times in different places. Each person faces loss in their own way. In a culture like this, private observances mean that up until the very last day of the month or, in this case, several days beyond it, there are still those recognizing their loss.

    A solitary lantern marks what is likely to be the last of these observances. It floats slowly from the shore into the sky, until it reaches some arbitrary point where it moves up and down lazily.

    A gentle breeze catches it and draws it away from the shore and over the lake itself. This evening, there is just one woman on the beach. The one who released that lantern. Tae stands there alone, lost in thought.

What is loneliness?

Is it a clear-cut, black-and-white matter? Or is it not, perhaps, a more shades-of-gray affair? For, you see, where does one draw the line? We are, at any given moment, at a certain distance from every other person in the universe. It's just a matter of how far we are.

So, is Tae really alone on the beach? The answer, one could argue, is 'progressively less so'.

Perhaps Tae will react before Uta can come too close, but if this does not happen, Uta will simply... stand as well. And observe the single lantern, in silence.

    Tae doesn't notice Uta at first. Only after she wipes at her eyes and starts to turn back does she realize she's not alone. She comes to a rather abrupt halt, clearly surprised.

    "Uta! Sorry, I didn't see you there. I had a last lantern and wanted to let it go." Which is true, even if it is so obviously nonspecific and ignores her emotional state.

    ... and of course, because it is Tae, she has to ask, "Have you eaten yet? Can I make something for you?"

    The wind decides at this moment to kick up, sending her hair streaming behind her. No longer with anything to conceal it, the telltale reflections of moonlight on tears can be seen.

Uta inhales, turns to Tae, and opens her mouth as if to speak.

A glimmer. Understanding.

"Food can wait," Uta states, head slightly cocked. And then she returns to look at the sky, where the lantern was. "I'm sorry for your loss," she says. Somber. "Is there anything I can do for you this time?" A little silence. "I'm told I'm a good listener. I am not sure how good I am, to be fair, but listening is something I can do, if..."

    Tae follows Uta's gaze to the lantern, now bobbing its way farther out over the lake. She takes the time to compose her thoughts. But she starts with something of a pained laugh.

    "It's unbecoming, and it's a different kind of loss, you know. A loss of my world." She struggles with it, and raises her right hand, using her fingertips to gently dab at tears. She moves as if she were being mindful of makeup, even though there is none.

    "Before this game trapped us, we had everything just where I wanted it to be. I had Elly. I had my family. My career was exactly the way I hoped for. Enough work to maintain a good quality of life and stay connected with music. The warm little clubs I used to play in were all I wanted. I had no use for anything more. I was happy."

    She turns her eyes to focus on Uta. "And it was harmless, you know? Elly needed something to feel that missing element of danger. She enjoyed her job, but it was clear that a little bit of risk would scratch that little itch."

    She sighs deeply. It's a ragged release of air. "And then suddenly we would not see my family ever again. Not my brothers, not my little sister. Her career was just starting to take off. We were supposed to see her play Tokyo Dome in a few months."

Uta says nothing at first. She keeps silent, in thought.

"We have not seen anyone from the outside world since the Apocalypse, no." More silence. "Not yet, at least."

Uta inhales, and begins to walk in circles, leaving prints in the sand. "We have been trapped into a different world, that is true."

The walking continues, then slows down. The Spriggan comes to a stop. "It must be painful to have lost one's family, yes. And especially considering how hard this must have been on you, I admire how you two have managed to push on, and... pretty much rebuild some of that already. Elly's keeping a relatively safe lifestyle, all things considered? And if you wanted, you could have all the inns and taverns you might want to perform in..."

    "But it doesn't feel the same, Uta. I wonder, am I alone in this?" Tae reaches out a hand, as if to touch the sky. "It isn't real. The fear is not the same. Everything is dull." Without warning, she produces a paring knife and she drives its tip into her hand. The glow of the wound is visible immediately.

    "That hurts so little. There is no blood." She widens the wound slightly and offers it to Uta for inspection. "There's nothing in there but light. What even is this body?"

    She goes on, "When we die, there is nothing left behind. Not even Landers are given the grace of a proper funeral. Just this sterile burst of pixels. And then, for us, 24 hours in nothingness and a return with memory damage. What -are- we, Uta? Am I really Tae? Or did Tae log out long ago, not realizing that she left this jagged reflection behind?"

Waves alternate between crashing on the sand, and more gently lapping it. Uta's breathing harmonizes with them. Must be a Godhand thing.

She flicks her menu open. Her black kimono, embroidered with precious threads, sihmmers away, leaving room for her usual nurse's outfit. She sits on the sand, and pats the place next to her for Tae to join her.

She'll wait a moment, and whether or not Tae joins her, she continues, looking straight ahead, "I don't know. I've been driven insane by that question until recently." She turns to Tae. "I still don't know the answer, but I've learned to stop worrying. For all intents and purposes, I am Uta Furore, Musical Kung-Fu Nurse. Whether I like it or not. Even if I am not -really- her, I am, functionally, her. And I might as well slip into the part until we get out."

She smirks. "And it's funny. It was the combined efforts of Fuka and Elly who finally caused the penny to drop." She extends her hands, intertwined, and rotates her hands so that, with her hands outstretched, her palms push outwards. "And about our bodies... it's more complicated than that. The Red Light seems to work as a sort of protection. Some special powers seem capable of disabling it. And then- internal organs become accessible. As far as I can tell, it seems like all the required squishy bits are there. I could go into more details but-" She shudders, and the shiver that runs along her back also spreads to her wings, which flutter. "It's the kind of sight that gave -me- nightmares for a week."

    Tae settles down next to Uta. Not thinking, she ends up sitting very close. There's a moment where she considers moving, but then simply lets it pass. Her mind is pulled away from that by Uta's voice. She's been given a lot to think about, really.

    With Uta facing her, she makes eye contact for a moment, then looks back out across the waters. "To accept what we cannot change. To not question what is. I've heard that many times in my life. Honestly, I'm still not good at it."

    A pause and she laughs at the mention of her wife. "She does like helping others find clarity, doesn't she? And Fuka is pure friendly chaos."

    While the conversation about innards probably is gross to some, to her its a relief. She is obviously /happy/ that there's a heart beating in her chest. Plus all the other bits and bobs that belong there.

    "So if you had a scope and stuck it down my throat, how long would it be until it..." She stops herself. "This is not the topic we should discuss."

    With much seriousness, Tae settles her attention on Uta. She looks at the young woman's face intently and utterly changes topics. "I really care about you, Uta. And Haru, too. That young man... he reminds me of Elly in a way. But you are not like her. You don't seem to wear that illusion of confidence and invincibility that she tends to wrap around herself." A pause. "You know we are constantly talking about you two kids. So... I should not be leaning on you for comfort. I am supposed to be, for lack of a better word, momming you." She laughs suddenly. "But really? Do I seem like the type who could have grown up conversations and provide guidance? Here, in a world that is... kind of ridiculous, honestly?"

"If I were to stick a scope down your throat, the Red Light would show up so fast it'd interfere with any attempts at sensing your larynx before I could get anything done. While you are choking." Uta rattles out with the confidence of someone who has either stuck a scope down someone's throat, or has volunteered to have a scope stuck down her throat. "Incorporeal sprites do not bypass that," she adds as an afterthought, with the confidence of someone who's 'tried that'.

"It's a dangerous line to walk." She quirks an eyebrow at Tae. "I wasn't there myself, but based on what I've heard, disabling the Red Light seems to be associated with risks to the Cosmosphere. And the disabling of the pain dampeners." Uta inhales. "Yes, I've heard stories of people feeling the full range of pain."

At the mention of her not wrapping herself in an illusion of confidence and invincibility, Uta bursts into laughter. A long, liberatory laughter that lasts for seconds.

When she finally catches her breath, she shakes her head. "I mean... have you seen me? I can't afford confidence and invincibility. Best I can do is obliviousness and defiance of the odds." She grins, between the shy and the mischievous, "It's not much, but it's honest living."

She pulls up her legs, and wraps her hands around her knees, as the wind ruffles her pixie bob.

"Why would you be supposed to be, for a lack of a better word, momming me, but the other way around feels strange?"

There is no accusation, no sarcasm, no pointedness in the question. Just a plain, honest-to-goodness inquiry of someone who genuinely lacks understanding of the situation at hand.

    "It's stupid, but just from time to time, I'd like to really feel pain again. I don't feel right." Tae frowns and says, "I fell off the stage when teaching some choreography and I barely felt it, Uta. I know most people would think that's great, but I don't. Pain is part of being a human being. We aren't meant to be so numbed."

    Of course the comments about being oblivious get her giggling. A lot. "Oh god! I love it. And yeah, I know that's not all that fun for you at times, too. But there are a lot of days lately where I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to get bored. I sure don't want to worry Elly about this. What can she even do, right? And she's just so happy."

    Focusing back on Uta again, Tae can't stop smiling. "I'm supposed to be momming you cause I'm older. And while Elly is the one who talks about it more, I want it, too. To be family. I'm way the hell too old to be a sister, too. Maybe an aunt? Elly's got the whole mom thing rolling. I swear to god I never saw that coming. Seriously. Something about this place has her feeling free to do that, though. I just wanna have people to be family with and like Elly, my heart is set on you and your brother, so you are just stuck with it. And don't talk back or you're grounded, young lady." It takes all she has not to smirk or laugh at herself for that ridiculous threat.

Uta opens her mouth. Raises her finger. Closes her mouth. This young lady has no intention of being grounded. She has people to go, places to see.

"I think the system is encouraging us to go out there," is what she finally says, in a serious tone. "I have researched pain. I have developed painkillers. I could probably develop something with the reverse effect -- one injection, and bam. You're back to old world pain levels." Silence. "Would you find that okay?", she asks, turning to face Tae, possibly looking her straight in the eyes for a moment.

She lowers her head, and shakes it. "I would argue that it wouldn't be a medicine. It would be a narcotic."

She stands up, and as the wind picks up again and ruffles her hair (and possibly her wings -- can you even 'ruffle' wings?), she looks in the distance. "You are right. We aren't meant to be this numbed. We're meant to go out there, and reach the usual level of pain... by doing things that would be far more painful in the real world. We have to rethink what is 'safe'. There is a lot at stake here, and-"

She looks down, pensive, scratching her chin. "...I think the system is 'momming' us, for lack of a better word. But, simultaneously, 'dadding' us. For lack of a better word." She resumes her pacing, around Tae this time. "Keeping us safe(r) and (more) protected... but at the same time, pushing us out of our comfort zone, getting us out there. Making us do things."

    Tae narrows her eyes slightly when the finger is raised, the nods when Uta closes her mouth. Tae wins arguments regularly through the sheer power of sheer force of sheer will (while wearing sheer clothing, ostensibly). She's never afraid to play dirty.

    "We can give it a shot." Get it? "Nothing quite like a needle to get a pain rush, huh? In the meantime, I'll just indulge in my hobby of testing pain privately!"

    She's daring Uta to ask.

    With Uta now pacing around her, Tae stands up. It is, after all, really an odd feeling to have someone walking around you. She brushes off the sand and turns to face Uta. Well, where Uta will be soon. A hand is offered.

    "Enough serious talk! Come with me! I'm going to make you something to eat. You can't think that hard without burning calories."