Broken Mind

    Within the city of the Salamanders, dark a dark alley hiding from the sun, around a corner to a dead-end, lays a dark scaled Salamander.

His hair is a dusty mess, he has clawed at his own tunic's sleeves, and now simply lays there, his back to the entry way and his face staring at the cold wall before him.

This is Xander Scaleharth. A broken man who just really, right now, wanted the world to leave him alone.

Unfortunately, there are some parts of the world that are simply not willing to let Xander be completely alone as he might wish. Leave it to a Ranger to be able to track someone down, despite the hoards of people on the streets of Breg Epona. It is Mikage's siluette that appears first, flanked by her animal companion. The lynx tries to step forward, but Miki holds a hand out, stilling the little cat in his tracks. The two stand there for a moment, the Were Fang looking up and down the street as if checking for signs of others.

Only once it seems quiet does she step in, Rama taking a place at the edge of the alley as if he were set there as lookout. Mikage doesn't say anything at first, but she does allow her footsteps to be heard as she approaches. The girl is good at being quiet, so it's likely she could have masked them if she wanted to. Rather than push into his thoughts, Miki just sits down, pulling her knees up close to her chest, laying her folded arms across them and watching Xander.

It's a delicate balance of being left alone, without actually being alone.

    The Salamander's tail gently moves, ever so slightly, seeming to acknowledge that Mikage was there; Or at least someone. His eyes open slowly, before he rumbles. "... If you come to shank me or steal something, just get it the f**k over with."

His eyes close once more. "Because I really don't care." Talk about sounding like an old man.

"Damn, you've got me there." Mikage admits, though her voice doesn't seem to carry much humor to it. "I guess I did take the thief profession, so I guess I had that coming to me." It's hard to imagine that she actually /did/ make that choice at some point in character generation, since she's never actually used the skills for thievery.

She lays her head onto her arms, "I suppose I've technically been a PK now, too, at one point. Though they really did deserve it." Miki had been red flagged for a short while after the run in with Hamelin.

"Still, no intentions on shanking you, or stealing anything. Besides, you left most of the valuable stuff at the Arena." The girl comments, shrugging her shoulders.

    The voice at last clues Xander into /who/ he heard come up on him. He furrows his brows and says softly, "... Mikage?" Before he rolls over and looks at her. "... why are you here?"

When Xander rolls over, Mikage just looks at him over her folded arms, chin still resting against them. She doesn't make any motion to approach him, and instead just sits there. "In the digital flesh." She answers. "Sorry if you were expecting someone else."

When he asks why she's here, the young woman just blinks, the rest of her eerily motionless. The Were Fang had a habit of doing that sometimes, just... sitting perfectly still. "Because you looked like you were in a bad place when you left." Miki raises a hand and taps it against the side of her head, "I know bad places. I know they're something better off not faced alone..." She pauses, then adds, "No matter how much you might think you want to."

Then, she glances up the alley to where Rama is sitting, "Besides, someone has to look out for you if you're not going to look out for yourself. Rama would give me those sad kitten eyes if I let something bad happen to you and I could have stopped it."

    "I actually was not expecting anyone... I guess I failed to blend in enough... Probably should have changed out my boots." The Salamander admits as he just lays there.

"... and you are not wrong." He says with lack of emotion in his voice. "... I kind of wanted to slam my head in the wall, maybe even slowly destroy my hands... But I remembered. Oh right. If i kill myself... I'd just come back." Xander raises up his hand and just looks at it. "... did you know our pain is like... not even /real/ pain? Like... it's numbish. Reminds you have disconnected we are from our real selves."

His hand then lowers. "... and yet, we have all the wonderful nightmares and dreams." He scoffs out a laugh. "Mostly nightmares. Doubts. Hatred. I... tried to shove it all away, but it always finds the cracks. It /always/ finds a way to remind me."

"You stepped in some peko scat on the way out." Mikage admits, "Made you a little easier to follow." So he probably would have been better off had he changed his boots. "Rama knows your smell pretty well, though."

Tucking her hand back around her knees, she murmurs, "The problem with pain that's in your head, is that while you can try to drown it out with the real thing, it always comes back." For others, his words might have started to ring alarm bells, but Mikage probably understands them more than most. "I know you want to, but I promise you it won't help." She looks away from him and across to the opposite wall. "No amount of pain will make it go away. Even death won't solve the problem, and not just because you'll respawn. If this were the real world, all it would do is pass that pain onto someone else."

When her blue eyes look to him again, the pale girl offers, "Probably not what you want to hear, but... I don't think you'll ever be free of them completely. Something always lingers." She breathes slowly, taking care with her words. "But you are still here. I'm still here. I'd like to think that there is a reason for it. Something that might someday make everything else worth it." She shrugs then, a soft lift of her shoulders. "But what do I know?"

    "You know more than you let on." Xander says softly, "... and I know about... leaving behind pain for others. I can..." he sighs. "I can only imagine my mom right now if I had died-- if-- I did just, one day, take my life. Probably why she always gave me distance, knowing I was a loose cannon and needed time to heal."

Xander closes his eyes softly, "... and she needed her own time after nearly losing me /and/ losing my father. All to the same damn thing." His eyes open once more. "I'll... need to apologize to Cyrus. At least... once my head is back on straight-- well-- straight as it will be for now." He tries to laugh, but it was forced.

    "I just wish," He grimaces a little. "I just wish I could turn back the clock and be who I /was/ before it all happened. Yeah, sure, I was younger and stupid. I did some /really/ stupid shit, Miki. Let me tell ya." He then actually laughs. "But I was happier. I didn't know death. I didn't know that pain... But-- as much as I /want/ to go back to that..."

The Salamander starts to have tears in his eyes, "... I can't have that back. I can't /bring/ them back. I can't even bring /myself/ back..." Then closes his eyes tightly, "F**K!" He roars out, before reaching up with his hands to his face, then roaring in them in his own rage and tears.

"I do." Mikage replies, her own voice soft. She swollows, as if her own thoughts went to somewhere dark in her own past. "I'm not sure it's a tale worth telling." She admits, quietly. "What I can say is that waking up afterwards and seeing the pain I put my dad through." She shakes her head, white bangs moving across her forehead. "I won't ever do that to someone again. No matter how low things get."

She looks at him then, real understanding in her eyes, "So no matter how hard it gets, don't do that to the people who care about you. It's not worth it." It's hard to imagine the usually optomistic Mikage, the girl who seizes life in every aspect, as someone who might have been on that sort of destructive path, but that look in her eyes seems to echo his own.

"Unfortunately, you can't turn back the clock." She admits, "There are people here who want to lose themselves in characters, throw away the real world and live this as a new life. I just don't think it really works that way. It has a way of finding you." Mikage shifts ever so slightly, "The only thing that I've found that has helped is moving forward. It's why I got to know you. Why I travel with Cyrus and Sassaral. Why I explore and fight."

Then, he begins to rage, lost in his own anger and grief, and Mikage... she just rides that out and stays where she is sitting. It's an anger she can understand, even if her own is not anywhere near the same as his. There is too much difference between their experiences. "You can't bring them back." She agrees, voice quiet, "As for yourself... I don't know. I think you're still there. I know because you're my friend."

    Xander listens to her, even with his hands over his face. ".. can't go back.. can't go forward... I'm Marcus Peterson... a man with no future." That is what he rumbles at himself, before his hands slides off his face.

"... Because I can't get over my past." He lets his hands fall by his side. "I hurt those I love. I chase away those who care. I damage-- any-- sense of a relationship. If I was a wild animal... someone would have already put me down."

"I'm Mikage Kimura." Miki replies, lifting her head a little from her arms. "And there was a time I thought the same thing. The secret is, you do have a future, and you decide what you make of it." She shrugs. The girl isn't a therapist, only someone who has been through those same dark thoughts.

"Choose to be better." She answers, "You aren't chasing me off, though maybe some part of you wants to. Take hold of those who care about you with both hands because those people are fucking precious." Her eyes shift to Rama. The cat may only be a digital construct, but for Mikage, he is real. Just as real each person she has come to care about in this strange world.

"You aren't a wild animal. You're a man. A man capable of making different choices." Her head tilts, just a soft motion, "And the fact is... if people care about you, they'll accept that you're a little broken." Her lip quirks, though it is humorless. "We all are. It's all about finding which broken pieces fit with yours."

    Xander sits there quietly once more. He listens to Mikage, but he does not respond right away. Though he does at last sit up. His eyes scan nothing, as his jaw shifts slightly. His nose twitches a little at his own thoughts. "I-- Just need a moment to think. To... think everything over. To ask myself some personal questions.

The Salamander looks over. "I.. I am going to go to my room at the Inn. Get some rest." He then looks away from her. "I.. I promise. I-- I'll head for the Inn."

Mikage looks across the alleyway at him. Rather than responding outloud at first, she simply inclines her head towards him, then shifts to push herself to her feet. For a person who can barely walkin the real world, she has an easy way about her when it comes to how she moves.

"Take Rama with you. He won't bother you, and it will make me feel better." Mikage asks, "Please." Her eyes look to the lynx who is still sitting at the end of the alley.

    Xander then goes to stand up and looks at the Lynx. He then looks at Mikage, before back to Rama. "Alright, I'll-- take 'em with me." He tries to smile, but it fails and he starts to make his way toward the Lynx, reaching down to give the feline a scritch on the head.

The Salamander looks back to Mikage. "... Thank you, Miki. I-- owe you one." Then goes to head for the inn with the Lynx in tow.