Duty Session 140: Escort Quest: Artificial Stupidity

    So as it turns out, a Lander by the edge of town has a quest! They want to go somewhere. Well, Amalthea has some time on her hands, so here she is, waiting by the edge of Carmina Gadelica to see if anyone else will take up the quest as well; the old Paladin arching her brow at the lander's apparent nervousness.
    "It shouldn't be too far!" He says, flashing a faltering grin. "I just need to deliver an offering to the shrine."
    He's wearing some basic armor and has a sword on him but...
    "That's where you come in, right? It's just that there are rumors of monsters along the way, aheh heh heh..." He chuckles nervously as he starts leading into the wilderness, leaving Amalthea rubbing the back of her neck.
    "Well it can't be too bad, can it?"
    What's the worst that could happen?

    "Dear lord, it's an escort quest, isn't it?" asks Baroness Wake suddenly, as she just appears our of some patch of shadow near the lander. She looks at Amelia and curtseys, "If you are doing this, though, I'm game. Never a dull moment on these sorts of things."
    She openly inspects the lander in question, showing no sign of her judgment of his fitness for the journey. "You know, good sir, I think it would be best if you keep that sword sheathed and let us handle the danger." He might hit one of them, after all. Or cut off his own foot.

Kauchemar is here because this is the sort of quest you rope a Bard into to keep it from getting dreary and obnoxious. Or at least get to add some colorful commentary. "It's not to far they say. It can't be too bad, they say. Oh we're off to a BEAUTIFUL start already." Yup, she's already got the snark wit razor sharp... But she follows after the Lander and the Badass Grandma all the same. Because watching everyone else have to suffer through some terrible escort cliches will at least amuse -her-.

Goldenblade joins the quest, looking a bit rough. The last mission she was on was a bit hard on her, though she's recovered HP at least, and she's ready to go. "Hey," she calls out in greeting, walking up to the group. Her armor has got a small debuff, but it's not particularly good armor as it is, so nothing from nothing leaves nothing, right?

She has no idea about escort quests as a category of quests, and just shrugs, telling the fellow, "Yeah, we'll handle the danger. You're hiring us so you're not getting skewered, right?"

    Merek seems to be content to assist with the journey, while he wears what looks to be a casual dark attire, with the beltcape about the waist. He does keep the sword of his upon his back. He doesn't offer a lot, while he waits about in thought as well.

    "Well. Yes. This lander questes us to escort him." Amalthea replies matter of factly to Wake. "I don't see what the big deal is. But, hello, dear how have you been?"
    And there's Kauchemar snarking already; earning a slight grin from the clearly oblivious Amalthea as the group starts along the path.
    "Merek, Goldenblade, how have you both been?" She asks casually as...
    The Lander heedlessly walks through the flock of birds that are trying to relax along the road.
    "Oh, they're just birds." He says. "Go, get out of here!" He shouts, trying to shoo them away... And instantly earning their ire, circling and pecking at him.
    "Ow! Ow ow ow! Bad birds, bad birds!"
    "..." Amalthea pauses to watch the chaos unfold, looking shocked.
    "What."

    "You know, it's wonderful to get to work you Goldenblade! And Kauchemar and Merek, too! These dreary quests are so much better with friends. We'll have good converations, a skilled tank, a wor.. that is to say.." Baroness Wake eyes the lander, "Well, shall we say skill-averse person to escort."
    And then he starts a totally needless fight with a flock of birds. "Kauchemar, can you build a rhyme that includes calling the lander 'mentally subnormal'? I would enjoy that very much."
    With a sidelong look to Amelia, Wake generates gusts of air, blasting the birds away from the lander. "You know, I wonder how many people of the past generation decided not to have children due to escort quests."

Goldenblade smiles to Amalthea, and sats, "I'm recovering from my last adventure. Some giant insects attacked a town, and I was off my game." In the sports sense, she means, not the MMO sense, though that also applies. "Nothing for it but to get back in the saddle, though, right?" She then asks, "How's it going with you?" To Wake, she smiles, "Good to work with you again, too!"

She blinks at the strange attacking birds. That was unexpected, she muses, having the same attitude as the Lander. But she's got a few more tricks than the Lander, and when she shoos them away, her swats and slaps sent stiff currents of air at the birds, forcing them away and dispersing the flock, or swarm.

"Now here's a strange thing," she muses as she swats away the birds. "That said, we probably ought to make a note as to that particular type of bird. Clearly they're a hazard." And viscious.

Kauchemar raises a brow as the lad tries to shoo the birds off, only for them to turn and swarm them. "Okay, as much as I like creepy spooky things I was not expecting an homage to The Birds." She rolls a bare shoulder. "But seeing as I don't have any popcorn to bribe them with..." She flicks a few arcane sparks, almost lacklusterly so, at the birds to chase them away from the escortee. Though, be it their swiftness or her minimal effort, doesn't actually hit any of the feathered frenzy.

    Merek would try to shift away the birds with a little bit of the wind magic, although he doesn't manage to do a lot while he nods a bit then would begin following along with the party.

    Once again Amalthea rubs at the back of her neck as the Lander flails and tries to flail away from the birds to no avail. The others have this... Right? Right?
    A gust of air from Wake and Goldenblade disperses them a bit. And Amalthea frowns slightly at Goldenblade's news. "... First the undead now giant insects? Again?" She shudders, remembering the silverfish.
    But it looks like the others attempts aren't going so well. Amalthea takes things into her own hands, clearing her throat as she wades into the throng of swarming angry birds...
    And gives a gentle coo.
    A few more similar bird-like coos and the swarm disperses and calms, several birds even landing on the old Paladin's shoulders and outstretched hands.
    It's like a John Woo movie with doves, except a lot less guns.
    Moving on though, the party eventually reaches the edge of an old forest. Mist hangs low to the ground and the tree canopy only lets the slightest flickers of light through to the forest floor.
    Even worse? The claw marks on the trees mark this place as monster territory.
    "Oh! What a pleasant set of woods!" The Lander says, completely oblivious to the danger, continuing to walk along as though nothing was wrong.

Thankfully Kauchemar's long stride gives her a chance to easily pass their charge, and after seeing some of the scuffed off trees at the edge of the forest hold a hand up. "Wait a moment guys. We've got some possible nasties lurking nearby. Just... keep him from wandering off." She brushes a hand back through her mane, and before anyone can stop her strides into the edge of the forest herself.

A few minutes that seem like half a lifetime pass.... And then the trees shake and birds scatter to the air as a HORRIFIC SCREAM rings out of the woods!

If someone looks with sharp enough attention they might see vage monsterous shapes between the trees along the edge of the forest, thankfully running -away- from the party's path.

That's when Kauchemar trots back out to where she's visible and waves to the party to follow. "I scared them off. But you probably want to be on the wary side. Just in case."

Then turns and walks back in again like this was just another day for her.

Goldenblade looks impressed at Amalthea's rapport, and she says, "Way to go, Marlon Perkins." Though probably no one remembers Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom show. Well, Amalthea might, she's about Goldenblade's age.

She acks at tripping in the creepy forest, and gets to her feet, looking chagrinned. "Hey, lets keep it kinda quiet," she suggests in a whisper, hoping to cool the Lander's ardor, and goes on, "Wait here, I'm going to scout ahead a bit. I'll wave you up when I've found a clear route." To Wake, she nods, the woman is also stealthy, and so they can split up the scouting. She will slink off ahead of the party, scouting, looking out warily for monsters and when she finds them, shifting our path around them. So it's a bit circuitously that she'll lead the way through the forest, with Kauchemar

    "Oh dear," murmurs Wake. The scream from Kauchemar shocks her considerably, but she is quite good at hiding it. Sadly, it seems the lander is just quite thrilled to run off and get his damn fool self killed. "I'll keep that fool breathing, Goldenblade, while you find the right path."
    But how does one deal with a blundering fool during an escort quest? What Wake does is follow him, repeatedly tapping him on the right shoulder, then stepping out of view before he can turn. She idly wonders, after doing this half a dozen times, if a lander can get dizzy. Also, how long can this actually work? Apparently forever...

    Merek would begin to draw a little bit of darkness to him, though it doesn't manage to hide him well. He seems to be a bit distracted while he takes a moment to follow along with people.

    First off, Amalthea's palm meets her forehead when the Lander just... Blitzes the woods.
    Gripping the Lander by the arm she holds him for a good moment as Kauchemar heads in.
    A second later she's digging her finger into her ear to make it stop ringing.
    "Ah, I remember Zoo Parade." She says. But it looks like that scared off some of the lurking nasties while Goldenblade scouts ahead and...
    Amalthea has lost the Lander.
    "What."
    She had him a second ago. Next thing she knows Wake is leaving said fool dizzy for Amalthea to catch him again and allow the group to continue.
    "I swear." She mutters.
    It's a little while before the group reaches the edge of a rocky outcropping, a steep slope on one side making continuing rather dangerous.
    "Well this is trouble. I wonder if there is some way around." The Lander says rubbing his chin and starts to look around a bit and--
    Repeats himself and his search.
    And repeats himself and his search.
    And repeats himself and his search.
    "I wonder if there is some way around..."
    Amalthea heaves a sigh, beginning to understand why no one likes escort quests.
    "Can we maybe move that big rock and move on?"

    When Amelia mentions the rock, Wake first thinks she is referring to the stone-smart Lander. "Oh, you weren't speaking figuratively." She walks up to look at the options.
    "I wonder if there is some way around.."
        "I wonder if there is some way around.."
            "I wonder if there is some way aroun-"
    "SHUT IT!" Wake shouts at the lander, as her attempt to do well, anything at all with the rock fail utterly.
    "I wonder if there is..."
    Wake sighs.

Kauchemar walks up to the edge of the chasm and looks down... While her ears lay back and she just ignores the Lander after the third or so repeat. "Well, we're not going that way. I like living on the edge, but not like this." She turns and walks back to the group, and the rock Amalthea is pointing out. "That, however, we can work with." The Muse is going to do her thing, chanting under her breath and with a few gestures a summoning circle of runes appears in front of her. Other loose dirt and pebbles pulls itself together in the circle as Summoner magic imbues it with elemental miasma, taking a stony form that looks like a minotaur made of earthen materials.

Well except it barely comes up to the Nightmare's waist, but that's besides the point. He's stout and strong looking.

"Now let's get that out of our way." She gestures towards the large rock, which her summon goes, wiggles his hands under the edge of, and then starts to lift up. It's moving, but he's maybe going to need some help getting it high enough to be moved to where they need it.

Goldenblade sighs at the stoppage, and she wonders, "Is this part of the plot, or did the route get broken by mischance?" Either way, it's a problem, and she says, "This one's a bit tough, but I think I can do .. this ..." She looks to the boulder Amalthea points out, gets behind it, and takes a breath, then smites it with a concussive blow. "Better than TNT," she quips, having broken it loose for Kauchemar to guide into place, then breaking out a shovel to fill in the gaps with some of the bits that have spalled off.

    Merek would begin with assisting in taking the things away from the path, nodding a bit to the NPC while he keeps with the party.

    With the combined elbow grease of a summon, a SUPER HARD HIT, some shovelling, and everyone pitching in... The rock moves!
    "I wonder if there is some way arou- Ah! That's the way!"
    Amalthea's palm meets her forehead.
    But eventually the party reaches the plains. It's a straight shot, home free, with no sign of monsters or dangers in sight, so--
    "I... Don't think I can go on." The lander suddenly says.
    "What." Amalthea grouses.
    Said Lander walks to the side of the road and plops down. "It hurts."
    "... What."
    "Maybe we should rest?"
    It looks like, somehow, in all that, the Lander got hurt apparently.

Goldenblade has already grumbled about how medicine in this world is all menu-driven, though cooking can be done for real. She knows a bit about orthopedic injuries from a lifetime of safety briefings, but none of that applies. What can she fall back on? "Here," she lies blatantly. "Some magic herbs that will cure your problems right off." She mashes up the crabgrass on the landers ankle and attempts a smile, though the word smirk probably applies better. He does not seem to be buying it.

The path is cleared by the trio working together, and onward we go! Out into the open fields, without another hazard in sight.

Which is exactly what gets Kauchemar to stop in her tracks. Stares for a moment, then snorts softly, her tail giving an irritated lash. "No. I don't need to use Divination to know this looks too easy...." She holds one hand up, ticking fingers one by one...

And only gets to three before the Lander starts kvetching about minor injuries. "There it is," she mutters in exasperation, lowering her arm. "Okay. Fine."

She wanders a bit, then picks up a chunk of some thick plants growing along the path. Walks back over.

"Bite down on this until the pain goes away."

And Kauchemar just shoves the herbs in his mouth before he can object. Finally, a bit of -silence- while others work on actually solving the problem.

    While the Baroness' first inclination is to throw the lander over her shoulder and carry him, she supposes healing isn't a bad idea. But seriously, did her shout hurt his feelings?
    Wake has some skill in healing, but no one would guess it. Instead of healing or invigoriating him, she manages to botch the spell utterly. Fortunately her critical failure doesn't end up turning the lander into a zombie.

    Merek would begin to mix up with the herbs to make a healing poultice. Not as good as potions, although works well enough while he nods a bit, "That should assist," he would note, while he begins to adjust his gloves, then nods a bit to the party.

    Right... Injured Lander. How to deal with this?
    Goldenblade's lie... Doesn't work all that well. Kauchemar well that... Uh. Some of those herbs DID have pain killing properties. Even if she just grass-fed the lander by force. It's Merek's poultice that has the most beneficial effect, but the Lander is still just... Sitting there.
    "Right that's enough of that. No more resting."
    Amalthea grumbles irately as she just... Hoists the Lander over her shoulder and starts fireman carrying him down the path.
    It's not much longer before the party reaches the shrine.
    "We're here!" The Lander exclaims and hops down to rush the shrine.
    Only for HARPIES to attack.
    "... Do not boast, old woman... Your death sits in that cage and she hears you." Amalthea murmurs softly, eyes half-lidded. "You know better. Keep your poor shadows if you will, but let me go. And let her go. I cannot see her caged. She is real like me. We are two sides of the same magic... Let her go..."

Goldenblade looks at the harpies, charges in with her sword, but they just fly upwards and heckle her. So, that didn't work. Her bow comes out, but they're flying, which makes the bowshot complicated, and it turns out that their flying affects the aerodynamics of the arrows in unpredictable ways. The musical instruments give an idea, and she'll pick up one, a guitar sort of thing. She strums the remaining strings, which produce a discordant note, and sings, "Old Mac D.." but Kauchemar's song is so much better, so what's that leave? "I cast you out!" she shouts at them, throwing rocks. Throw Rock is apparently her best spell.

    Merek takes a moment to look to the harpies, then he nods a bit while he begins to take a lift into the harpies, "Ragnarok's Wisdom!" The man begins to punch the harpies while he swings about into the creatures.

    After the last two phases of this quest, Wake is eager to finally have something that's more her thing. "Harpies! Now this is more like it!" The Baroness slips out of sight one moment, then blasts a pair of harpies out of the sky the next.
    Wake pauses to smile at Goldenblade, "Throwing rocks. I like that. It's cute." She looks askance at the lander and sighs. "Perhaps you can use that spell on someone else.."

Kauchemar approves wholeheartedly when Amalthea just picks the guy up and -carries- him over her shoulder like the grandmother handling a stubborn sulking child should. Which finally gets them on to the final leg of the mission. There's the Shrine!... and there's the idiot slipping from the paladin's grasp and charging ahead... only to have to run for cover when harpies turn out to be the final hazard. "Oh, look. Squatters. Noisy squacking ones at that. Bet they don't know any better what to do with sacred grounds than shite on them like all birds do." An eye to the side notes the broken instruments, so she opts to not bother with that.

Instead her eyes flare with their eerie glow as she taps a hoof and flicks her tail to get her rhytmn going... She'll deal with this noise with her own melodies...

" o/~ Shut. Your Mouth. You make me sick with all the lies, all the lies that you spill.
Slip, and fall. I'll watch you drown in all the lies, all the lies that you spill.
As you're tongue-tied, did you believe it? That False Pride never existed.
Now I am cutting ties clean off and I can breath at last... o/~"

There's a pause as she does a twirl and does a dramatic sweeping gesture with her arms.
"o/~ So we all stand enthralled by this bland curtain call... And the Truth we pursue as we all.. we all beg you toooo o/~"

THAT is when her voice shifts, rising in volume and into a darker sinister reverbing effect.

"o/~ Kill the Lights! Kill the Actor! Kill the Actress!
I'm afraid that the spotlight dried you up!
Don't even think about it... Don't even think about it... No! We're begging you! o/~"

Several of the harpies stop dead in their tracks, instead clutching their heads and trembling with the music getting through their defenses by pummeling directly into their minds via dark bardic magic.

"o/~ Kill the Lights! Kill the Actor! Kill the Actress!... And kill them all! o/~"

    Merek hums to himself amidst punching the harpies, "You never even tried in the first place."

    As the group fends off the harpies there's a moment of flailing panic as the Lander runs around in circles screaming.
    Amalthea makes the mistake of trying to wrangle him.
    It gets her swarmed by harpies.
    "Not alone!" She shouts, flailing her sword. "You never could have freed yourselves alone! I held you!" She says defiantly amid her HP starting to drop and wailing her sword aimlessly.
    Thankfully the others have a better time of it, with Kauchemar's song making the harpies turn their heads, distracted.
    Only to get beaned in the skull with a flung rock, pummelled by Merek, and blasted out of the skies by Wake.
    Eventually the harpies are reduced to red pixels. The Lander sighs, relieved and pulls out a carved war horn, placing it at the foot of the statue.
    "Please, goddesss. These brave souls deserve a token of your blessing. Gift them with your courage." He says before waving goodbye.
    Amalthea grumbles.
    "... Never doing an escort quest again."

It was always good when Kauchemar could put her musical talents to use. But their charge just praying, while offering a tribute, almost rubs her the wrong way. "Really? All that for..." And the Lander wanders off, just like that.

She puts a hand to her brow and sighs. "At least he's not dead... huh?" Something catches her eye and she walks around the side of the statue. "Hey, guys, over here." She kneels down to pick up one of the carved bone discs.

"Bet these are left here to 'reward' the Adventurers that actually endure this rediculous journey." She turns it over her hand. "Looks.. like some kind of blessed imagery."

Goldenblade looks over to Kauchemar, says, "It wasn't -that- bad. My father-in-law was a bit like that when he was getting up there." She nods about him not being dead, and will head over to look at what she's found. "Now that's interesting," she says thoughtfully, looking over one she's picked up.

    Merek takes a look to the mark, then nods to Kauchemar, "It's a Blind One Icon," he notes, while he would take a moment to adjust both of his gloves, then he looks to the party, "Alright, I need to be back to what I was doing, in alchemy." With a wave and a nod.

    "Do you think he's okay? I mean, I feel like he could get himself lost in a broom closet or just walk off a cliff. Or perhaps just linger at the edge of one and inform no one that he needs to find another way around until he starves." But perhaps Baroness Wake is just overthinking the whole thing.
    She goes to take the reward and examine it. "This is.. actually really a special thing," Wake says gently. She studies it intently, "Though honestly I have always felt that the Beautiful One resonated more with my heart, I think there's something to be learned from each of the Goddesses."
    "But seriously, isn't it weird that we just let him go after this and he's somehow not going to do something idiotic?" Sure, he's annoying, but she doesn't like letting even the most annoying lander die.