The Principal's Office

Amalthea
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ


    Once again, Amalthea has returned to Castle Reach. It's an excellent base of operations, and serves as her main place of respite, where she can just hole up in her office and, believe it or not, relax with whatever paperwork that needs handling. It's a surprisingly easy way to cool down after hard fought battles and raids.
    Amalthea is in her office, rather than her personal quarters today. The room is neatly appointed but a little on the spartan side. No frills, would be a good way to describe it as she muddles through some parchment about supplies and whatnot as she waits for Xander, as she had requested his presence.
Xander
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    The dark scaled Salamander gives a couple of knocks before he opens the door, first leading in with a basket which has a wine bottle in it. Then he moves in as well. "You called for me, Amalthea?" He asks with a minor grin on his face. "Figured I'd bring this over."
Amalthea
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    "Come in, come in." Amalthea calls after she hears the knocking. And when Xander does come in, she motions him set the basket on her desk before indicating he take the seat across from her.
    "I did call for you, yes." She replies, eyeing the bottle for a beat. "Thank you." Added as an after thought in regards to it. But that's not for enjoyment now, as she organizes the sheafs of parchment on her desk and sits herself back.
    "Do you want to tell me what happened?" She asks, point blank, but tone gentle.
Xander
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    Xander rotates the chair around where he is resting with the arms on the back of the chair and just straddling it. His heavy scaled tail flicks the air when Amalthea asks him her question.

Those gold, fiery draconic eyes look at her. "What happened regarding what, ma'am? There are many things that go on, so in all respect, mind narrowing down what you are looking for information wise?"
Amalthea
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    "Please don't bullshit me, Xander. We both know very well what I'm asking about." Amalthea replies with a weary sigh before pursing her lips. "I mean at the Sixth Floor raid." She clarifies, folding her hands together on her desk.
    "Not only did you look like you lost it, but when you went and got yourself blown up." She notes. "And if not for the fact that we resurrect here, I'd probably have been saddled with one hell of a funeral for you if you didn't come back. That's not something I like to think about, you know."
Xander
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    Xander jaw clenchs a little. "I-- yes had a feeling it was going to be about that, but," He motions with open hands, "... Had to be sure." Then he rests his hands back down along the chair's back.

"That-- /thing/-- looked like something out of one of my nightmares." He admits, "... nightmares... about events that took place in the real world. Computers, wires, dead being bound to them. Stuff you never expect to see beyond just the subconcious mind."

Those draconic eyes look directly at her, there was very little light in them; The man has not slept well. "Things you should /never/ see in your waking moment." He then closes his eyes. "So, my demons came back to haunt me... and... I snapped." He pushes himself up to sit up a little more.

    "I snapped and... was not in the right state of mind. I tried to pull myself back around... However, I am, not always successful in escaping. Things.. blurr," Xander says as he tries to explain things, before he just sighs and shakes his head.

"In the end, it was better I suffered the death blow, instead of that count becoming /three/. One life, instead of three lives is better... while," He motions with an index finger, "It been better if it was zero... There was no way to make that happen, so yeah. I don't regreat risking my scale hide to keep two others from sharing that fate."
Amalthea
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    That's right. It's exactly about that, and Amalthea watches Xander in silence with quiet, gentle, eyes as he gives his reasons.
    His demons came back to haunt him, he says.
    Something from his nightmares he says.
    Looking back on it, that mechanical, skeletal, monstrosity that was the 6th floor's boss WAS a thing of nightmares indeed. But it must have been particularly special and personal to drive Xander to lose his cool like that.
    She knows Xander. She knows he's a veteran. She knows he's seen Things, even if he was deployed to keep techies safe. She has no doubt in her mind that it must have been a serious blow to his mental state to make him react in such a manner.
    "I see." She says after a beat. "I can't fault your logic." Added after a pause. Losing one is better than losing three, and his sacrfice had saved other members of the raid team. "However next time I would prefer it if we were not put in such a situation that such decisions need be made at all."
Xander
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    "Sadly, I can't make a promise to that." Xander replies back to Amalthea. "... Even if I was in full control. I still would have thrown them out of the way, placing myself in the path of danger."

His eyes lower, his hand twitches before it closes into a fist. "It is..." Xander's eyes look distant. "... It is just what I do."

Then he looks to her. "Risk it all..."

"If it means saving everyone else around me."

    Xander's gaze then lowers. "... Even though I am fully aware that sometimes," His jaw clenches a little before he speaks. "... Sometimes you can't save anyone at all..." Then his eyes close again, before he is jaw clenches yet again.
Amalthea
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    "I know." Amalthea says, even softer. Reaching across her desk to rest a pale hand atop Xander's fist. It's funny, how small and almost fragile the old knight can seem, when out of her armor. Before all this she was just an accountant- and a retired one at that. But her grasp is strong and warm never the less.
    "We don't get to choose what life throws at us, we just get to live with it." She says, releasing him after a beat. "Do you want to talk about it?" She then asks, much more directly.
    "I won't force it out of you if you don't want to, but I do want you to know that while I'm around I am an ear you can always turn to."
Xander
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    Xander doesn't push her away. He does /look/ away, but he doesn't push her away either. His hand shifts a little, as forcing it to relax under her touch.

He inhales deeply, before slowly exhaling, forcing himself to look at her. "Do I-- no... should I? ... Yes." He says lowly with a rumble in his throat. "You should know... as you lead... and as a leader... You need to know."

He runs his hands through his hair, before allowing his arms to rest on the back of the chair again. He was quiet at first, before at last finding the words. "I was part of the Cyber warfare division of the army." He starts out.

    "We... my brothers in arms... we were all..." He then fades, his teeth grit, before he shakes himself past it obvious that even before he can get to the explanation it is already hitting him. "The Flash of Death.... I stepped away for a moment. Away from my terminal to get something to drink... I hear the-- silence first... then... all the wrong sounds."

His hand twitches a little, he closes his eyes tightly. "... sounds I can still hear..." He laughs a little, but it wasn't a happy laugh. "The alarms went off when command realized what was happening. I-- I was ordered to not go back to my terminal.. But I did... I did cause I... I knew it had to be /stopped/. I was the last one standing-- I had to try to save them. I /could/ save them... I believed it..."

Xander looks down at his hands, his eyes look distant; wrong. Tears at the edges, before he places his hands over his face. Fangs baring against one another. His muscles tense, before he forcefully stands up. The chair almost tipping over as he just roars out in his own frustration. Frustration and fighting with whatever part of his mind the pain lingers in.
Amalthea
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ


    And so it comes. Xander decides to tell something that is, clearly, very painful for him, and Amalthea listens while staring silent with those gentle eyes. "This isn't about me as a leader." She notes. "This is about you." This is about Xander and his trauma, and whether or not he's willing to share that burden with her. But she listens regardless.
    Flash of Death.
    It doesn't surprise her.
    The timelines and Xander's apparent age and maturity line up properly with it. So that's what he lost comrades to.
    He roars.
    "There was nothing you could have done." Amalthea says, almost inaudibly at first. Before she shakes her head slowly.
    "I was in Japan when the Flash of Death struck. Spending time with my daughter. I returned to the states to a much emptier office." She murmurs. It's not the same kind of bond as he had with his mates. She can't call her old coworkers 'brothers in arms' like he can. But finally she closes her eyes.
    "I can't say I understand. But I can see the pain it causes you."
Xander
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ

    Xander just holds his head for a moment. His breathing is a bit heavy and his eyes just staring at the ground for a moment. He forces them to close, as his teeth sneer. A low growl emits from him, but eventually the Salamander reigns himself back in.

"... I.. don't expect anyone /to/ understand. To understand being at death's door... to come back around from it to understand you are the only one who lived... to fight and struggle to regain motor controls of your hands... to talk some what like a normal person... but to understand you been paralyzed in other parts of your body."

    He inhales deeply before he looks over to her. "To but stuck, tormented forever seeing their foaming... shaking... bodies. Again... and again... and again... and yet, you're the only one who survived."

Xander looks away from her. "I'm a soldier. I can't hide that. I can't /hide/ what I am... and sadly, my past... It will forever haunt me in ways I can never express." Then he goes to move for the door. "So... now you know. You have a broken soldier on your hands, that could shatter at any point." He then turns to look at her. "... How safe does that make you feel, Amalthea... how much trust can you still have in me."
Amalthea
Alne - Scale Emblem Alliance HQ


    Crystal blue eyes fall half-lidded as she continues to listen. Xander didn't just lose comrades. He lost his body as well. Unsurprising considering how he had charged back to his terminal in hopes of rescuing his comrades.
    Though he goes for the door, Amalthea makes no motions to stop him. Sometimes a man needs time alone, and she isn't going to force him to stay, but she does give her answer.
    "With my life, Xander."