This Explains SO MUCH, or, Jazz Lets the Cat Out of the Shell

    The Palace Lands! Mizuki has been curious about the new region since it was first reached. She has so many questions about how the Apocalypse affected here, whether the Chinese region players know anything more about it, and whether it seems likely that her friends from back home are trapped in FM World now...

    But there's been something else on her mind too, and also, a friend she hasn't seen in awhile. While familiarizing herself with the area, she double-takes as she sees a familiar face, and runs towards her! "Jazz!"

    Mizuki really wants to give her friend a hug on finally seeing her again, but remembers Jazz doesn't like hugs at the last split-second, and stops abruptly next to Jazz, windmilling her arms as momentum makes her lean forward and get thiiiiiis close to touching the Undine. "Hi! I haven't seen you in forever! What have you been up to??"

Fortunately for Jazz the Salamander hanging around with Mizuki isn't in a rush for physical greetings. "Oh, is that who you've been looking for." For the moment Vertina is just sort of the friend off to the side, to keep the cat from running off on her own... something that brash is more her thing, so it always feels a little odd when she's the one being practical, but what can you do.

For her part, Jazz is on a bench. Her satchel is in front of her and she's loading it up with goods, it would appear. Besaide her is a floating writing desk -- no really -- complete with all the tools one would need to make a map ... a map that is presently in the process of being created, actually. It's a hand-drawn local map of the area around Seeker's Landing. Very aristically flourished, actually, with gilded borders and everything! The attention to detail of it is quite intense.

"Oh. Hello, Mizuki," she says, casually leaning back away from her and not meeting her gaze. She is, as always, a somewhat muted person in response to this enthusiasm.

    Mizuki pouts slightly at Jazuhanzu's sheer lack of enthusiasm. And then stares at the desk. She crouches down to look UNDER the desk, and slowly waves her arm under it. "You got a... magic hovering desk?" She stands back up. "That actually seems pretty convenient!" Considering Jazz's cartographical activities. "How did you get something like that?"

    She glances back to Vertina, ears perking up, then splaying slightly as a heavier thought crosses her mind. "Ah... yeah. N-not that I'm not happy to see her!" She turns back to Jazz and smiles briefly, then looks a bit more worried. "It's just, since I hadn't seen you in so long I didn't wanna jump into heavier stuff right away..."

Vertina is likewise distracted for a moment by the floating table. She crouchs down to look beneath it. "No legs. Would be a lot easier to get someone drunk under the table -- literally." Then stands back up. "That is pretty impressive, even if all that.." she gives a vague wave at the utensils and such "... Artsy stuff doesn't make much sense to me."

"I found it. Or maybe I was guided to it by one of the Gods," remarks Jazz, dryly.

"It's an *amazing* coincidence that I stumbled across something that I badly needed, don't you think?" A glance to Vertina, then she turns back to Mizuki.

"Heavier stuff?" she asks, tentacles twitching slightly. "What happened?" she asks.

    Mizuki looks from Jazz to the desk. "...Like how I stumbled across a unique quest reward that gave me the [Song] skill in the days before the Apocalypse?" She smiles at associated memories, tailtip twitching. "Oh... it would be so much sadder if I couldn't sing in here just because I didn't roll a bard-type! Especially now that I get to do it with this voice... I always wished I could sing the girls' parts, they always get the pretty parts... and now I can!" ^n.n^ "It's one of the silver linings of being stuck in here..."

    After a moment of happy reminiscence, though, her thoughts turn back to Jazuhanzu's query. She looks more somber. "Before... when we talked in the lake... You mentioned that crossplayers would eventually get dysphoric." She looks away. "I didn't take it seriously, but I mentioned it to Prophy and he said the ones he knew of all started experiencing it by the time he opened his clinic. I mean, y'know, except for..." She trails off.

    Mizuki looks back to Jazz and a REALIZATION flickers across her face.

    Her eyes widen.

    Her mouth hangs open.

    She claps her paws over her muzzle.

    "Ohmygosh, that means you, too, you've probably been dealing with it all this time! That's gotta suck!" She spreads her arms to go for a hug and then aborts it because Jazz is a No Touching Zone.

    Worry mixes with the concern on her face. "I don't know how long I have before it starts, but... if I've already lasted so much longer than anyone else, it's probably soon, right? What's going to happen to me? And is there anything I can do about it? You sounded like an expert on this stuff..."

Vertina squints at Jazz for a moment, then shrugs. "To each their own." She finds a spot to sit down, and takes out her liquor flask. "I don't know Mizukichi, you seem to do just fine being a cute catgirl with fire powers whenever you're -not- thinking about this." She uncorks the bottle after giving it a swirl to make sure the contents are properly mixed. "But I guess you can't let that little nagging at the back of your mind go for too long." Squints at Jazz again. "... Nope, never would of expected that one to be one," she remarks, before leaning back and taking a few gulps.

    Mizuki tilts her head at Vertina... and then looks at Jazz and covers her muzzle with her paws again. "Oh! Gosh I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking, I didn't... I didn't know she didn't know..."

Jazz doesn't say anything at first. She's looking down at her pack, casually, as Mizuki's words tumble and tumble out. There's some casual, unconcerned nodding as she goes on and then she agrees, "Yeah, I did say that. It does happen. Waking up every day in the wrong body can take its toll. I wasn't aware someone had started a clinic for folks liek that here, but good on him. it's important. People need support." She finishes packing her satchel and then leans over her newest map, taking a moment to assess if the ink has dried.

"You know what, though. When it gets to be too much, I find a way to distract myself. You could, I don't know, you could sing, Mizuki! Yeah. That's a great idea. Let's sing."

She nods.

"You know, I think I feel like No Doubt. Oooh, I'm just a --"

She looks at Mizuki, figuring they'll get it.

"You two go ahead, singing is not my thing." Vertina looks at her container. "Unless you count drunk karoke. But I don't think you want intentionally terrible singing."

    Jazz misunderstands something, and Mizuki quickly clarifies, "No, he's just, a doctor in general, so... he's kinda had to be the doctor for the whole Scale Alliance, and psychology too I guess..."

    Mizuki nods. Obviously, everyone's getting by in here! Jazz has her maps. Singing is one of of the things she likes, so the suggestion does make sense.

    'No Doubt' doesn't ring much of a bell. Although she's dimly aware it's a band name...

                               ~A long time ago~                                

    Eleven-ish-years-old Sam is sitting alone at the corner of the girls' table at lunch, eating his sandwich silently while listening to their gossip. As he's done as long as he can remember. Because the other boys are jerks and he doesn't want to spend any more time with them than class already forces him to. Anyway, an overheard snatch of conversation: "She's listening to her favorite song, by No Doubt." Sam thinks that this is a strangely stilted way to say that sentence.

                                ~Slightly later~                                

    OH IT'S THE NAME OF A BAND THAT MAKES SENSE NOW

                                     ~Now~                                      

    Mizuki tilts her head. That's all the name No Doubt brings up by itself. But Jazz's intonation and pitch call up another memory:

                             ~A less long time ago~                            

    Teenage Sam has been dragged along on the annual family pilgrimage to a grandparents' house in the boonies. Well, it's not REALLY the boonies, but they don't have broadband out there yet, so as far as Sam's concerned he's been closed off from the world. Fortunately, he did prepare to pass the time: His laptop is loaded with the latest crop of downloads from P2P sharing programs that he hasn't gotten around to perusing yet! This batch includes some Ranma episodes he didn't have yet, and some AMVs! This particular Ranma 1/2 AMV starts up with some catchy, memorable guitar riffs...

                                     ~Now~                                      

    There is a *brief* delay as Mizuki recalls an old memory at the speed of thought, and, the power of [Song] helps her remember more clearly, and she mentally fast-forwards to get to the bit Jazz started. "o/~-girl, a little 'ol me / Well don't let me out of your si-ight / Oh I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite / So don't let me have any, rights o/~"

    She carries on the rest of the song, focused on technical performance and showing off her skill.

    "o/~ I'm just a girl ... I'm just a girl in the world... That's all that you'll let me beeeeee!" Eventually, she comes to the end. "Oh...I've had it up to here! o/~"

    Song done, her mind slowly drops out of performance mode. "Honestly, not one of my favorites... and it's not as catchy without the instruments... I never got into No Doubt, or any popular music when I was that young, really. I only even remember *that* song because it was used in a Ranma AMV."

Shehe looks between Jazz and Vertina for their reactions, beaming if they look pleased. "Do you have any other requests??" she asks, eager to sing more!

"See, you should spend more time enjoying that you have a voice like that now!" Vertina thinks part of Jazz's more subtle hint went over Mizuki's head, but it's all a good performance in the end.

Slowly, Jazz listens. Waits. Listens some more. She picks her satchel up, slings it over her shoulder.

"That was really good, Mizuki! Now I'm gonna leave you to wonder why you sounded so happy singing it."

And then she turns and walks straight off into the forest without another word.

    Mizuki tilts her head. "...Because I like singing? I'm good at it, I've always liked music but I never had the patience to learn an instrument, but my voice is built in so-- wait!"

    Mizuki stretches out her arm and half-sings, "What's gonna haaaaappen to me?!" before continuing with the song for a few lines as she walks after, "All the steps I take alll the moves I make allll theeeee pain at staaaake! I see the chaos for you and me who am I?? Whaaat can I dooooooOOOOOOO?! o/~" Okay, those weren't EXACTLY the words, but they almost fit so she changed them a little.

    "Seriously! Jazz! I don't want... to become unhappy about this...! I don't want it to become a source of pain! But if it's inevitable, I don't know what to do!" She really is seriously worried!

    "I just... I just wanted... I made this character because I thought it would be fun to be a cute catgirl for awhile! And it was, well, when I'm not worried people will think I'm a weirdo... But I didn't know what I was doing! I didn't know people get hurt, doing this..." She hangs her head. "Do you... really not know how to help me?" Her eyes start to water as she looks down at her hands. "I don't want this to become a bad thing... I /like/ being Mizuki! It's been so much fun! If it... if it starts to feel like a bad thing, if the memories of all the good times are tarnished by what happens in the future..." she hugs herself and finishes, more quietly, still hanging her head, "...that seems like it'd be even worse than any feeling like my body is wrong or whatever it is that happens..."

And that is about when Vertina gets up, walks over, and yoinks Mizuki into the sort of hug thec catgirl has had to resist giving Jazz the entire time she was hear. "Mizuki, no, stop that. You're doing the exact thing she was trying to get you not to -- think too hard about it. No one thinks you're weird... or would even know if you don't point it out with these little panic attacks. All the bad things you're worried about happening are only going to happen if you let those worries get the better of you and ruint it." She pauses a moment, having to try and remember the right phrase. "Don't turn it into a self fulfilling.." another pause, sticking the tip of her tongue out thoughtfully at the corner of her mouth. ".. prophecy isn't really a good fit, but I think you get the idea."

Mizuki didn't quite seem to get subtle, so leave it to her friend to just spell it. Sometimes not having a lot of tact is a good thing?! Maybe?!

Spriggans.

Sneaky. Silent. Deadly.

They used to be the Silent Killers before carbon dioxide got invented. Luckily, in this world, carbon dioxide has not been invented yet (or is it 'discovered?' -- details, details) and Spriggans are trying to improve their brand image anyway (with not much of a success), so this increasingly derailed discussion has to be abruptly jerked back on track.

Spriggans. Sneaky. Like Uta, right now, who wasn't there one moment before, and then, who knows how, she just... is there.

"Do I hear singing?", she interject, before spacing out some, processing what she's just heard from Vertina, apparently, but perhaps only partially. Her eyes keep going in and out of focus. "Oh, not thinking about things. I'm good at that. In fact, if one thinks about it (which is exactly what we are trying not to do, but bear with me for now), the things we ignore at any given moment are staggering in comparison to the tiny, puny thing we're actually considering."

    Hugs are nice.

    Mizuki focuses on that for a couple of seconds before processing the words.

    Also, there's an Uta! "Oh... hi Uta! But..." She looks up at Vertina. "I thought... it was going to happen anyway?" She glances off in the direction Jazz went, then back to Vertina. "Is that how it works? It only becomes a problem if you think it will become a problem? But then wouldn't people just..." She furrows her brow as she works through the logic. "Any crossplayer would have made their character *not* knowing about it... like I did... so it should never happen... but there are some people like Jazz, who didn't *choose* their character... So it'd be some sort of memetic virus that spread from people like that?"

    Mizuki hmms. "But she told me like a month after the Apocalypse and it didn't take. I didn't worry then because I didn't see why different bodies would be such a big deal, but... hmmm..." Mizuki considers. "Am I really just special? It doesn't bother me like it does other people? That *seems* pretty improbable, but I guess there are a number of people with unique abilities in here... Or maybe it's part of playing a shapeshifter race? But... my other form..." She furrows her brow as she tries to figure out how to put something into words.

Vertina glances over her shoulder when she hears another voice. "Oh, hi Uta." She gives Mizuki another friendly squeeze before setting her down. "Yeah, that was Mizukichi singing! And Jazz... though she seems to have wandered off again. Tch, explorers." She gives Mizuki a pat on the shoulder. "Like you said, no one did this knowing they'd be... long-term in the form. Maybe it only happens to the ones that -aren't- comfortable with living in the form? I'm no psychologist, far from it... but a bit of emotional analysis does come with being a barkeep." Or maybe it's something she just doesn't understand since she direct bodyscanned.

A glance over her shoulder as Mizuki speaks out, and Jazz simply answers, "Give it time, Mizuki, and you'll understand I already did. Think about it -- you'll get there, but nobody else can get there for you."

And then she runs straight into Uta and bounces right off her.

"OH COME ON," she says.

Uta frowns. "What's this thing about bod-"

She freezes. She turns towards Jazz. She lingers there for a moment. She turns towards Mizuki again. She pales.

"Oh no..."

Uta slowly, very slowly approaches. "Now I remember." There's an awkward pause. "I'm sorry you got a girl as an avatar. I am really in no position to offer any advice or even condolences because it would sound either patronizing or hypocrital from someone who hasn't suffered the same fate, but I can't even begin to imagine how terrible it must be to be stuck that way and hating the way you look. I mean, I'm already too busy hating the Girl from the Menu to have any hate left for anything else, but that's digressing and we need to yank this discussion back on track." Uta just stands there for a moment, awkwardly.

And then she turns towards the Undine and smiles. "Oh, hi, Jazz!"

    I'm sorry you got a girl as an avatar.

    Mizuki's eyes widen and she protests, "No, that's not it! I like it! But, I heard that crossplayers eventually start to feel really bad and I don't know why I haven't yet but I don't know how long I have until..."

    She blinks.

    "...Hating how you look? Is... that how others feel? But... I could never hate this!" She gestures with her hands, pointing all of her fingers towards her face, then tilting them down to point over the rest of her.

"That's what I keep saying. You -like- your form here. You're only worrying about it being a problem because someone else said so." Vertina shakes her head a bit. "Only thing that matters about you is what -you- think about you. In any world." For being a blunt bruiser babe type Vertina has her moments of insight.

"That damn girl from the menu," says Jazz, "When will her terroristic reign end?"

Her tone is dry, of course, as she rights herself. She looks at Mizuki, expectantly. She has nothing else to add. She was hoping to be out of here before the light bulbs began to appear, if they do at all.

"Oh, yes. If you like it, that's cool. No need to worry," Uta segues from Vertina's discussion. "I mean, I actually like eating soggy crackers. If you don't hate it, hey, no problem. I don't have to worry about either being considered some sort of deviant starch soup vampire despite not being one, nor worry about actually being a deviant starch soup vampire. I like soggy crackers. End of story." She begins pacing around, and gestures in the air with one hand. "Human sciences are just guidelines, not hard-and-fast dystopian frameworks where you're either fitting the schematic or the psychology police come will crack down." She shrugs. "If you're cool with it, one less hassle to tackle. The key point, here, is not to overthink it. I think. But not too hard about it."

Uta growls in response to Jazz. "I know. She's always there. Watching. Stalking. Ready to strike. I wonder what she's up to." With a sideways glance, Uta mutters. "I need to become stronger in order to defeat her once and for all!"

Vertina just.... stares at Uta's ramble. Soup vampire? What does that even mean?

    Only thing that matters about you is what -you- think about you. In any world.

    If only it were that simple. A mental image that's crossed Mizuki's mind many times crosses it again; Sam and Wisteria, back in the real world after somehow this is all over, meeting up. It's awkward. If they hugged like they do in here, as friends, everyone would get the wrong idea and--

    Mizuki shakes her head. "It's not that simple. What others think can matter a lot." So many painful memories of being the weird kid. "Besides, if there's anywhere I hate how I look, it's back in the real world, but that's just because--"

                        ~~Slightly even less long ago~~                        

    A late-teens Sam looks in the bathroom mirror. Scrutinizing.

    Sam never felt like his reflection was really *him*. As a child, he figured it was just because he didn't spend a lot of time looking in mirrors. It's like how a recording of your voice sounds weird, it's not the voice YOU hear in your head. But as he grew into a teenager, he came to realize: He was just ugly. It makes sense, it goes along with the whole 'weird nerdy guy with no friends' deal. The weird nerdy guy is always considered ugly in stories.

    But...

    What... exactly... is ugly about him? No particular facial features stand out as bad. He could kind of imagine a girl looking at a picture of this face and calling it handsome, or at least decent-looking. Why exactly does it feel so ugly when he's looking at it?

    Ugh. Sam shakes his head. Enough staring in the mirror. He's gonna go play RO. Mycroft Hellfire isn't ugly, not that you can really tell with the little sprite. Mycroft Hellfire is a cool older brother with useful abilities who's really helpful and saves the day, or will be once he's finally completed this build. It's going to take a lot of grinding.

                                    ~~Now~~                                    

    Hating the way you look.

    Hating the way you look.

    Hating the way you look.

    Stuck that way.

    Mizuki can't shake the feeling that some kind of transparent barrier around her is cracking and starting to break apart.

    Oh no

    OH NO

    Her mouth moves slightly. Almost mouthing those two words.

    Oh no. "Oh no." Oh no! "Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no...!" She starts to struggle in Vertina's hug, trying to break away and run...

    Where? Where do you run TO? Where can you run from... something about yourself?

    She ends up crouching nearby, hands on her head, repeating the words over and over again.

Vertina is still staring, but now its at her friend running off to huddle in a corner. "... What the fuck did you two do?" The cuss word just kind of slips out because she has no other way to really parse what just happened.

Uta stares at Mizuki rushing off into the distance. "Mizuki! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!", she yells, hand extended, tears beginning to make her eyes glisten. "I didn't mean to bring back horrifying memories of gustatory devastation! I forgot just how bad people felt about menu food!"

Uta then turns to Vertina. "Uh, us?" She swings her index finger between Jazuhanzu and herself. "We went on a training journey so I could learn to wield the Water element. What does this have to do with anything?"

    Mizuki.exe has crashed.

    Sam has always been a boy. You can't really change that, as much as he's always wondered what it would be like to be a girl.

    'I like [how I look]! I could never hate this!'

    Except, there are people who say they're not. What would that even be like?

    'I made this character because I thought it would be fun to be a cute catgirl for awhile!'

    What is he going to do? If he's not a boy, what's he going to do when he has to go back to the real world? Back to that body.

    You do have to go back, right?

    She mutters, "I'm in the Scale Alliance. I'm an Odysseia Knight. We're fighting to escape..." Because escaping is what you have to do, right? You're trapped here. Stuck.

    Stuck that way.

    Oh no.

    "What am I gonna do...?" She looks up at the others. But how could anyone know what to do in this situation? "What's gonna happen to me? I can't go back and... I... but if I stay here... what do I... If I'm a g... if I'm... I... how does that work? I don't... what do I do?"

Jazz so, so, *so* didn't want to be here for this part. She really didn't. There was a reason she was on her way out to leave Mizuki with her thoughts. This is beyond her abilities and she's already done what she can.

"...it's okay, Mizuki," she offers, very neutral in tone, "You're hardly the first. There are other people around that I'm sure you can talk to about all this. " That aren't her, is the implication, because what Mizuki is experiencing is very much *not* her own experience.

She's kinda slipped behind Uta now. Trying to get away. All this emotional wreckage she's leaving in her wake isn't something she wants to be part of. Let the Sea Queen of Grief slip away, leaving only the ripples in her wake. And she does, in fact, try to do just that.

"That's not relevant at all!", Vertina snaps, possibly more harshly than necessary, at Uta. Then again, Uta is so oblivious she might not even notice. It's accompanied by a faint twitching of one eye, mostly from her trying to keep her hotheadednees from going off at someone that doesn't deserve it. "Ugh!" Finally she throws her hands up in the air. "This has compouned past what I'm qualified to deal with!" The Salamander turns so sharply her tail practically makes a whipcrack behind her before she stalks off towards the perimeter of the Landing. "I need to punch something that deserves being punched. And exploded!"

    It's okay. You're hardly the first.

    Right. Right, this MUST have happened--

    'Some folks out there are probably eggs and don't know it yet'

    GOD DAMNIT JAZZ

    YOU REALLY CALLED IT

    Mizuki blinks as, reeling from... everything, she sees everyone running off. "Wait! Don't leave me..."

    Alone.

    It's okay. Boys are strong and don't REALLY NEED A HUG RIGHT NOW. They can get by on their own. Even if you're not one, you have a lot of practice.

    Mizuki slowly stands, and slowly shuffles off in... some direction, shell-shocked. She'll... find a place to lie down somewhere for a bit. Benefit of all this fur is that she can lie down anywhere and it'll be nice and soft.

    If only... if only... it could make up for being alone right now.

    She'll survive. She's a gamer. Just... get to the next screen. Get to the next level. Do that and you're always moving forward...